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“I should know how to do this simple thing!”

aurelis

Hey all,

I was making some fish cakes and I found the process really hard. I don’t cook often, but when I do, I end up overthinking the process. my mind can be rigid to instructions, and often if there is something that I don’t understand or doesn’t make sense, I overthink it until I shutdown.

it tends to be why I can struggle to start things. I was meant to soak the fish over five days, but I was putting off starting cooking and now it soaked more than a week. 

the solution? Fortunately my mom was there to help me through the cooking process, but I was beating up myself for not getting it right and asking very rudimentary questions, and couldn’t help but think that if I was trying to do this around friends, I would feel ashamed to be this lacking in understanding. I had to realise also to let go of my male pride of “I should know this and should have control of this”, and allow my mom to help me with the process, with her showing me what things to do so that I can grow. 

I realise that to an extent this is why I’m not growing. When something becomes too overwhelming, I can shut down or blank the thing out instead of facing it head on. And I don’t ask for help, feeling ashamed. “I should understand this, it’s so simple, why am I so stupid, come on!”

anyone relate to this?

Parents
  • aurelis said:
    I don’t ask for help, feeling ashamed. “I should understand this, it’s so simple, why am I so stupid, come on!”

    Our Autistic (or ADHD) brains just aren't very good at ignoring tiny inconsistencies in instructions. I was making a curry from a recipe that mentioned four chillies, two were to be chopped and and added while cooking and the other two were to be kept to the side. I read the recipe over and over again for ten minutes to figure out what to do with those other two chillies, but they were never mentioned again. Then I got stuck wondering what I was supposed to do now? Should I ignore the instruction? Just use two chillies instead of four? Slice those other chillies and use them as a garnish? Also cook the other two chillies? WHAT?! I had to confer with my wife and we decided to ignore them, only then could I move on.

    Am I stupid? No. I just got stuck wondering what I was supposed to do next. I had too many options to work through and no way to prioritise them. This happens to me all the time. It happens to Autistic/ADHD folks all the time. Our "executive function", our ability to just decide to do something and go do it, is out of wack. It is very frustrating—EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING!!! —but it is not our fault and nothing to be ashamed of. It's just the way we are.

    So, ask for help, have someone do things with you—your mum sounds great. Even just having a "body double", someone in the same room, can help a lot. Learn a few recipes off by heart, so you don't have to follow instructions every time and it just becomes your own way of doing things.

    And go easy on yourself. You're not broken. Your brain is just a little different from a lot of the brains you see around you.

  • in reply to Damojo

    Thank you for this, I always think my brain is broken all the time because I can’t adapt as easily. However, I also think it would help me to give more time to prepare food before cooking .

  • in reply to aurelis
    aurelis said:
    However, I also think it would help me to give more time to prepare food before cooking

    Yeah, me too. If I have to do something complicated with lots of ingredients and steps, I spend an hour or two just casually gathering things together, measuring then out into little dishes, chopping things, slicing things, putting them in little dishes, ("Another glass of wine?" "Sure, why not."), filling pots with water and bring them up to near boiling, assembling spatulas and spoons, etc. No rush with any of it. I even go full autistic on it and line everything up in the order in which they need to be added/used. Then, when the time comes, I cook like those TV chefs who have everything already prepared for them by some "kitchen assistant" or "food stylist".

Reply
  • in reply to aurelis
    aurelis said:
    However, I also think it would help me to give more time to prepare food before cooking

    Yeah, me too. If I have to do something complicated with lots of ingredients and steps, I spend an hour or two just casually gathering things together, measuring then out into little dishes, chopping things, slicing things, putting them in little dishes, ("Another glass of wine?" "Sure, why not."), filling pots with water and bring them up to near boiling, assembling spatulas and spoons, etc. No rush with any of it. I even go full autistic on it and line everything up in the order in which they need to be added/used. Then, when the time comes, I cook like those TV chefs who have everything already prepared for them by some "kitchen assistant" or "food stylist".

Children
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