I finished sixth form nearly 2 months ago. I thought I’d feel completely free from that moment on, but those last 2 years have left me feeling terrified whenever I think about it. The amplified stress due to an intense fear of failure made worse by being autistic which people could hardly understand and apparently pastoral support had never seen anything like, the social anxiety, the times I had to escape class so they didn’t all see me being a crying mess, the self-consciousness in class for hours a day, trying to balance work with self-care (taking myself out of the situations), losing grip of myself in the middle of the day, crying every morning as soon as I wake up… you know, just the relentless sense of doom that comes with being autistic in school.
I thought by now that I’d look back and laugh, when really the thought of it makes me feel like I’m back there and it’s terrifying. I wish I could forget it all because it was genuinely the most distressing time of my life so far (thank god I had some friends to offer some relief). I’d be so much better if it was all gone from memory, and I guess “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a huge lie, because it’s just left me anxious and angry that I had to go through it. Even though my grades have never been too bad, I think I should have dropped out for my mental health a while back but here we are now.
So, like, how long does it take to get over that nightmare? How has everyone else dealt with it??
