Feeling tired and disheartened

I get really annoyed when I hear of situations like yours, where everybody knows someones a problem but can't or won't do anything about it. Often these sort of trouble makers know the exact legal position of themselves and their employers and are very careful to stay just on the right side of the law.

Can you work from home and is that something your boss would support?

Are you a member of a trade union, if you are then can they help?

It's a bit of a long shot, but an organisation like ACAS may be able to help or at least give you some advice, they may be able to help your employer too. People think that ACAS only mediate in strikes, but they do all sorts of work place situations. A quick search will give you  contact details.

I think regardless of your own diagnosis, anyone would find your situation unbearable, you are not the problem, your managers agree that you're not the problem. I think you've been very patient, but enough is enough and you have to do something. But you have time to consider your options. If you had the backing of a group like ACAS then I think going to court might be easier, but I really think you need expert advice on what to do next.

TheCatWoman said:

I get really annoyed when I hear of situations like yours, where everybody knows someones a problem but can't or won't do anything about it.

The person causing the problems is ADHD and bipolar which makes them one of us (neurotypicals). The bipolar element is a troublesome situation for some which will make this a minefield for the manager.

If we are to start labelling any anti-social behaviour stemming from neurodivergence as in need of punishment then we open the doors to discrimination.

It seems clear the colleague felt attacked and has lashed out, so we now have 2 neurodiverse people feeling attacked - who do we have sympathy for?

It is a horrible situation for both of them, but think of the manager - they have to try to keep the peace, make sure the parties learn from this conflict and avoid it in future and finally, get the job done while navigating all of this.

I've been in this situation of having multiple neurodiverse people working under me who are in constant conflict and it is exhausting - not just for them but for me trying to find a balance that works for all but also to avoid the damage they are causing the department in loss of productivity and any events that spill over into affecting others.

I agree that the revenge aspect could be seen as grounds for disciplinary action but without knowing all the details it is hard to make an informed judgement on whether it amounts to enough.

In terms of a way forward, I think a mediation session is called for but done in a way that works for the autistic party in that it is non face-to-face and gives them time to respond. This is much harder than it sounds.

There is no viable option to get rid of the biploar colleague just because his absence makes the OP happy, that way lies an unfair dismissal lawsuit. If the manager were to then start disciplinary proceedings which were based on the conflict then it becomes a he-said, she-said arguement. Both parties have some blame (not equal) and the HR team will tell them to sort it out amongst themselves (not really viable with the OPs traits).

If the manager was to try to engineer the bipolar colleagues dismissal through putin them on a performance improvement plan then this implies that they are being discriminated against because if their neurdivergent communication issues which is a real can of worms for management to deal with.

There is no simple solution. The OP and the colleague need to find a balance that works or one of them needs to leave. Both feel wronged by the other and both need to make changes to find a working peace.

I agree with the discrimination issue. To correct some details- my colleague is not bipolar, but borderline. And the issue is that I told him it’s not ok, that I have to leave the office during my work, because his girlfriend comes (also working in our company) turns out it’s a crime, that I dared to stand for my own rights. In his understanding everyone must do everything what he wants. So yes I’m happy when he is not here, because with his presence I feel like a trash at work. For me it’s unacceptable and I don’t think I should be forced to put up with it just to not discriminate my colleague while nobody cares about me and my rights. From my side I did my best to accommodate his needs on various occasions. Now I just ignore his presence as he does with me and the only thing I would like to have is peace and possibility to have my job done without drama. I think he knows his position and he knows nobody can really do anything about his nasty behavior. Is it normal that everyone must leave the office because one ND guy decided he wants to have intimacy in the office during working time?

Alien0n3arth said:

your answer means to me more or less something like i have to let them do whatever they want and let them bully me, otherwiae i will be out.

If your colleague is irreplacable then this is the sad reality. He will be chosen over you in any conflict short of breaking the law and even then you would have to provide proof before they would act I expect.

It sucks but he has leverage and you don't so this is an act of self preservation for you in my eyes, not one of justice since that cannot be had here.

Alien0n3arth said:

My manager agreed that this behaviour was wrong. Now thus guy has it forbidden to meet his gf in our office

This is great - your manager is doing his job so this is a win.

If you want real payback then learn how to do his job, document it and let your manager know so he can finally kick him out. This falls more into the revenge category than simply justice though.

Thank you, your answer means to me more or less something like i have to let them do whatever they want and let them bully me, otherwiae i will be out. I red, that with someone with borderline you need to set boundaries, othereise they will keep pushing. My manager agreed that this behaviour was wrong. Now thus guy has it forbidden to meet his gf in our office, but makes a lot of mess to me in the system and papers, deliveries, doesnotgive me any information. I think I have to learn more about the pattern of his actions and leave this mess for him to clear up what he has done. 

If my manager tells me, it's ok that he closes the office and nobody should dusturb him, then I will do it. 

Alien0n3arth said:

the issue is that I told him it’s not ok, that I have to leave the office during my work, because his girlfriend comes (also working in our company) turns out it’s a crime, that I dared to stand for my own rights

Do you mean it is a crime (as in against the law) or just against company rules - very different things.

I suspect this originates from the very autistic trait of a strong moral compans that many others do not share, so your view on the rules as being absolute is not how others see them.

I used to be much the same but experience has shown me there is no absolutes - everything is shades of grey and all rules are flexible depending on the circumstances.

Alien0n3arth said:

For me it’s unacceptable and I don’t think I should be forced to put up with it just to not discriminate my colleague while nobody cares about me and my rights

This is the crux of the matter I think - there are 2 non NT people with a conflict and neither party seems willing to change. It must be just as challenging for your manager trying to keep you both happy and productive when you are both being this hostile.

Perhaps a session of conflict resolution would help - would you consider this if the company paid for it? Just a thought.

Alien0n3arth said:

Is it normal that everyone must leave the office because one ND guy decided he wants to have intimacy in the office during working time?

If your manager agrees that this sort of intimacy is not suitable during working hours then call them out on it and ask them when they will enforce the rules. However if they say they will allow it then you have to be willing to accept the directive - your have been over-ruled and as a team member you need to do what you are told.

If your colleague is as indispensible as you say then this will only end badly for you if you persist as you have been. If you continue to be a thorn in your managers side over it then expect them to remove you eventually for working against the teams interests.

Sometimes you have to suck it up in order to survive in society and this does not sound like a battle worth having to me.

I hope I'm not upsetting you over this - I'm just trying to let you see the situation from an external perspective and from a survivors point of view.

Alien0n3arth said:

the issue is that I told him it’s not ok, that I have to leave the office during my work, because his girlfriend comes (also working in our company) turns out it’s a crime, that I dared to stand for my own rights

Do you mean it is a crime (as in against the law) or just against company rules - very different things.

I suspect this originates from the very autistic trait of a strong moral compans that many others do not share, so your view on the rules as being absolute is not how others see them.

I used to be much the same but experience has shown me there is no absolutes - everything is shades of grey and all rules are flexible depending on the circumstances.

Alien0n3arth said:

For me it’s unacceptable and I don’t think I should be forced to put up with it just to not discriminate my colleague while nobody cares about me and my rights

This is the crux of the matter I think - there are 2 non NT people with a conflict and neither party seems willing to change. It must be just as challenging for your manager trying to keep you both happy and productive when you are both being this hostile.

Perhaps a session of conflict resolution would help - would you consider this if the company paid for it? Just a thought.

Alien0n3arth said:

Is it normal that everyone must leave the office because one ND guy decided he wants to have intimacy in the office during working time?

If your manager agrees that this sort of intimacy is not suitable during working hours then call them out on it and ask them when they will enforce the rules. However if they say they will allow it then you have to be willing to accept the directive - your have been over-ruled and as a team member you need to do what you are told.

If your colleague is as indispensible as you say then this will only end badly for you if you persist as you have been. If you continue to be a thorn in your managers side over it then expect them to remove you eventually for working against the teams interests.

Sometimes you have to suck it up in order to survive in society and this does not sound like a battle worth having to me.

I hope I'm not upsetting you over this - I'm just trying to let you see the situation from an external perspective and from a survivors point of view.

Alien0n3arth said:

your answer means to me more or less something like i have to let them do whatever they want and let them bully me, otherwiae i will be out.

If your colleague is irreplacable then this is the sad reality. He will be chosen over you in any conflict short of breaking the law and even then you would have to provide proof before they would act I expect.

It sucks but he has leverage and you don't so this is an act of self preservation for you in my eyes, not one of justice since that cannot be had here.

Alien0n3arth said:

My manager agreed that this behaviour was wrong. Now thus guy has it forbidden to meet his gf in our office

This is great - your manager is doing his job so this is a win.

If you want real payback then learn how to do his job, document it and let your manager know so he can finally kick him out. This falls more into the revenge category than simply justice though.

Thank you, your answer means to me more or less something like i have to let them do whatever they want and let them bully me, otherwiae i will be out. I red, that with someone with borderline you need to set boundaries, othereise they will keep pushing. My manager agreed that this behaviour was wrong. Now thus guy has it forbidden to meet his gf in our office, but makes a lot of mess to me in the system and papers, deliveries, doesnotgive me any information. I think I have to learn more about the pattern of his actions and leave this mess for him to clear up what he has done. 

If my manager tells me, it's ok that he closes the office and nobody should dusturb him, then I will do it.