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Having issues with my best friend

Dee-Dee

I've had this best friend for over a year now and at first she was amazing. She really helped me when I was struggling due to my autism and my mental health (such as with panic attacks), and even defended me in front of a group of girls who were bullying me and had left me in tears for months. I honestly thought she was an incredible friend and sat for hours on the phone with her, mostly to keep her company but also because I enjoyed it. 

Then this year happened. Our friendships been steadily deteriorating for months, beginning in February when I started to feel extremely uncomfortable and truthfully hurt after I went all the way to where she lived (over a four hour journey) for what I had believed to be a birthday celebration only to feel forgotten for the entire week. Her and our other friend chose what we watched, listened to, ate and did, and all I'd wanted to do was go for one drink at a bar we like but we didn't even do that despite spending over six hours in town for them going to the shops they wanted to go to. I felt pretty sad when I came home as I've always had issues celebrating my birthday (a lot of trauma around it) and she'd promised me it would be a big celebration and whilst I appreciated the gifts I got I felt like there had been no point me going up. 

I tried to keep calling her but I was really struggling to sit on the phone all day with her as I was unable to focus on my writing whilst doing so. 

Then, in April, she became pretty nasty, sending me a horrible text when I wasn't sure I could make a meet up after having a meltdown and accused me of not considering her autism for a previous trip as we left "early" when I had let everyone invovled know when I would have to leave beforehand and accused me of not understanding her struggles. I apologised profusely whilst she complained in a group chat we're both in  (didn't name me thankfully) and subtweeted me on twitter. She tried to call me the next day and said I wasn't being fair by not picking up the phone so I replied and said I was hurt and needed some space. She did not like this at all, continued to try and call over the next few days and got friends to check in with me and blamed me for her poor mental health because I didn't feel comfortable talking to her. It all hit a head when we were all on holiday and I was screamed at by her and another friend. I ran to my room as I was having a panic attack and on the verge of crisis and she followed refusing to leave even when my partner asked her to. Since then, she's been very hot and cold. She's made passive aggressive digs when I haven't text her back quick enough / when I haven't called, saying I'm not there for her, checking my likes on tiktok because I wasn't sending her videos, and has become obsessed with my favourite tv show in a way that reminds me of my old friend who did something unforgivable to me last year. She's blocked both my partner and my other best friend from viewing her instagram stories, has shouted at me over small things and I constantly feel on edge and like I'm walking on eggshells around her. I'm scared to call but if I don't she gets worse. I don't know what to do as we're going to canada in september alone and I don't feel comfortable going with her but I can't be refunded the money I've already spent. I'm soon to book flights which was an issue when discussed as I don't think I can handle a changeover and she got very cruel about it and acting like I was being deliberately difficult. 

Sorry this is so long I am just terrified of going on holiday with her but I can't pull out as she will be unbelievably angry with me and truthfully I'm not in the mental headspace to handle it as the root of my mental health issues stems from PTSD from an abusive friend in my childhood. I don't know whether I should be friends with her or not, whether I'm the real problem or whether she's behaving inappropriately. I feel like I'm going crazy and constantly in fight or flight mode which is causing me to be exhausted and get poorly often. 

Any adivce on how to cope with this friendship as I know I can't stop being friends with her would be appreciated, as I can't talk to her about the issues we're having as when I have tried in the past she has blamed me for her behaviour and it took me repeating multiple times that she hurt me for her to say sorry.

Sorry if this is worded badly, I've tried my best but it's so difficult to explain everything.

Parents
  • Dee-Dee said:
    she became pretty nasty, sending me a horrible text when I wasn't sure I could make a meet up after having a meltdown and accused me of not considering her autism for a previous trip as we left "early" when I had let everyone invovled know when I would have to leave beforehand and accused me of not understanding her struggles.

    I think what may be happening here is that you are expecting her to make accommodations for your autism and she is expecting you to make accommodations for her autism.

    The situation does sound like it has started to spiral downwards so it may be worth trying to take a pause, talk through what happened and agree the ground rules for behaviour for the future.

    It will be important not to point the finger of blame but to talk about the situations and how it made you feel, and to allow them to explain their side and their feelings. This can be quite illuminating if you can take the blame element out of it and can help you understand one another better.

    A good point to start is to point out how much the friendship means to you and that you want to clear the air and understand if you have upset them unknowingly - chances you are so you need to be prepared for knowing about this too.

    Dee-Dee said:
    the root of my mental health issues stems from PTSD from an abusive friend in my childhood.

    This is something I would think you need to address with a therapist. It is only ever going to continue causing problems until you do in my experience.

    You also need to accept there is a chance that you are a contributor to the issues and you need to learn to change to improve things. If you don't want to change then that is also a choice but there will probably be consequences so it is useful to understand the bigger picture.

    Dee-Dee said:
    I don't feel comfortable going with her but I can't be refunded the money I've already spent. I'm soon to book flights

    I would think you need to sort this out before you start spending more money on flights then. If you can't find a way forward then it will be a waste of all the money, not just what you have spent so far. 

    Sometimes if you can't make it work you just have to cut your losses.

    All the above is based on what you have said which is only one side of the story so the advice will be  based off incomplete information. 

    You have identified your issues are contributing so I would suggest working on these anyway and trying to have an open and honest (and probably difficult) conversation with your friend to see if there is a way to salvage something from the situation.

    Just my opinions of course - do with them as you will.

    Good luck.

Reply
  • Dee-Dee said:
    she became pretty nasty, sending me a horrible text when I wasn't sure I could make a meet up after having a meltdown and accused me of not considering her autism for a previous trip as we left "early" when I had let everyone invovled know when I would have to leave beforehand and accused me of not understanding her struggles.

    I think what may be happening here is that you are expecting her to make accommodations for your autism and she is expecting you to make accommodations for her autism.

    The situation does sound like it has started to spiral downwards so it may be worth trying to take a pause, talk through what happened and agree the ground rules for behaviour for the future.

    It will be important not to point the finger of blame but to talk about the situations and how it made you feel, and to allow them to explain their side and their feelings. This can be quite illuminating if you can take the blame element out of it and can help you understand one another better.

    A good point to start is to point out how much the friendship means to you and that you want to clear the air and understand if you have upset them unknowingly - chances you are so you need to be prepared for knowing about this too.

    Dee-Dee said:
    the root of my mental health issues stems from PTSD from an abusive friend in my childhood.

    This is something I would think you need to address with a therapist. It is only ever going to continue causing problems until you do in my experience.

    You also need to accept there is a chance that you are a contributor to the issues and you need to learn to change to improve things. If you don't want to change then that is also a choice but there will probably be consequences so it is useful to understand the bigger picture.

    Dee-Dee said:
    I don't feel comfortable going with her but I can't be refunded the money I've already spent. I'm soon to book flights

    I would think you need to sort this out before you start spending more money on flights then. If you can't find a way forward then it will be a waste of all the money, not just what you have spent so far. 

    Sometimes if you can't make it work you just have to cut your losses.

    All the above is based on what you have said which is only one side of the story so the advice will be  based off incomplete information. 

    You have identified your issues are contributing so I would suggest working on these anyway and trying to have an open and honest (and probably difficult) conversation with your friend to see if there is a way to salvage something from the situation.

    Just my opinions of course - do with them as you will.

    Good luck.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    It might help for each other you to write down what you want or don't want, and what hurt you. Things can look differently when in black and white 

    It will force you to think it though and be clear, then you can talk about it. Often thoughts and emotions can be confused.

    In future meetings it would be clear to state in writing, such a text or instant message, what the major requirements or limitations are. Then it is clear, if one side forgets, it is in writing, it is much harder to argue. So if you want to go to a shop, agree it in advance. 

    Perhaps both of you expect too much of the other.

    The only way to resolve it is by talking. If this does not work maybe you need a break.