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Feeling like a waste of space

To300

Hello im new here, just needed somewhere to rant a little.
I'm mid twenties f, diagnosed at 19. Didn't have a good time growing up really.  Majorly depressed, self harming, struggled with eating. Left school before exams and completely isolated myself. Tried to get things back on track after my diagnosis but everything always go wrong.

I feel like im trapped in my own head and I can't get out. I make grand plans but I rarely stick to anything. I cant even keep a appointment because I get anxious beforehand and meltdown. I basicaly only leave the house to walk the dog and most days that causes a little panic too. I spend a lot of my energy pretending not to be as depressed and anxious as I am, a little fake it till you makeSparklesit Sparkles️ ssometimes I can keep it up for awhile but it never lasts long. I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far in life. I contemplate suicide a lot and have done for as long as i can remember or I imagine and shamefully hope that some external force will take of the problem for me.

I don't have anyone i can talk to about these things. Whenever I try and broach the subject I just go mute and end up angrier than before. That's something else, the internal rage I feel towards myself, not sure I'll ever get rid of that. I also feel immense guilt for just living. I'm not doing anything with my life, I just take up space, spend money i haven't earned and don't deserve. 

There's this newish wave other neurodivergent people have developed online which is great and all but I read these people stories and posts and the vast majority aren't like me. Everyone seems to have it together and they all seem to know themselves very well whereas im the complete opposite. I don't understand myself, I don't like myself and I definitely don't have my *** together. I just thought I'd stop feeling like a alien when I had an answer to why I felt like a alien but if anything I just feel more alienated. 

Parents

  • Hi, i know the feeling of being trapped in your own head, i also experience quite a few of those things, i don't go out unless its to do specific tasks that need done or something work related, so i am pretty much indoors most of the time, i get pretty anxious before i go out as well. i also understand the internal anger, i get that a lot at points plus a lot of the other things you mention, so it resonates with me. i don't think everyone does have it all worked out though, it just seems that way, its not true in reality, there seems to be a lot of people that have very similar feelings to the ones you describe, your not alone. i hope you find a few people to talk on here, there are lots that feel the same. 

  • in reply to Изгнан

    Took me all day to figure out how to rreply lol just wanted to say thank you. 

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