Disclaimer: Apologies if I phrase things like they are special when they are very common Autistic traits. I haven't really explored autism yet, so don't know the baseline.
I leaned too heavily into making my mask growing up carving up my personality into what was useful, what was to be replaced and what I could build on and ended up becoming my mask. Taking the mask off is my "other setting" not my default. In fact for 15+ years I forgot it was even a mask and never took it off. (Burnout and depression followed) When I initially found out I could switch to a second wildly different personality, strangely the personality with all the traits and habits of my childhood I shed long ago, I thought I had some form of ego state disorder or DDNOS and eventually found, named and gained the ability to switch (or not) at will between 5 "personalities". Observer, Performer, Authoritarian, Child and Bright.
Eventually I identified them for what they were. Observer is me with my Autistic mask off, Performer is mask on, Authoritarian and Child are 2 trauma responses. One of vengeance and a sense of Authority, and the other its opposite. I even know what events or stressors formed them all. But I don't know what the last one is, and it is also by far the most confusing.
When accessing this last one, its like turning my senses up to full power. Everything is vivid and beautiful, the world is bright and wonderful and strangely hilarious, and then it goes wrong. I begin crying and laughing hysterically, almost manically. The last time I tried it I couldn't stop for over half an hour. I had to fight to get control of myself. Even when I managed I was still chuckling to myself for another 10 minutes slowly burying whatever that was.
Does anyone have any idea what the hell that is? I don't like having that in my head and not knowing what it is. Its kind of alarming. Am I just going mad?
