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Guilty for having a Meltdown??

WitchyPrincess06

So, I am writing this as I am questioning myself as I had a incident where I had a really bad meltdown and I am left wondering whether I was wrong to feel and react the way I did.

Here's what:-
my parents were getting ready to go out for the night but in the rush of trying to get ready my mum forgot to set out the washing to hang up on the radiators to dry. So naturally, she asked me to do it for her. Now I normally don't have an issue with that as I've done it many times in the past whenever my mum hasn't been able to do so herself, just a normal chore no problem. But this time was different as there were a couple factors which made this simple chore slightly more difficult for me

1. My mum seems to have a habit of putting too much of a load on at one time which makes finding space on the racks and radiators very difficult and I am left not knowing what to do in a situation where there is extra clothing with no room for them to dry properly

2. She has a very precise way of doing things like this chore, more specifically how to hang things and she tends to groan if she thinks it's not done properly or more specifically HER way

3. She gave me all that load with little time to problem solve.

You see, one of the things that is my biggest tiggers is either last minute changes to already set out plans or things being sprung on me at the very last minute with very little instructions. But despite my bubbling feeling I tried to just get on with it at first. But it was when I started running out of space I started to slowly get frustrated but I tried to remain calm and quickly ask mum on what to do. Her answer was not very helpful as she just kept telling me to put certain items in a certain place even when I explained to her that I couldn't because again I was running out of space. In the end she just got frustrated with me and started rearranging everything to make sure everything fitted. I understood some part of her frustration as she and my dad were just trying to get out the door so they could make their night out on time but her groaning with giving me bad vibes. And what didn't help and pretty much sent me over the edge was I could hear saying over and over "it's not rocket science".

I doubt she meant it as a put down as I know she would never try and deliberately hurt my feelings but that's how it came across and that just upset me more and made things worse. Before I knew it, I just started raising my voice trying to explain what my issues were but all she did was just shout back and tell me how I was overreacting and I need to stop behaving so erratically. My dad in this situation was surprisingly a bit more calm in that scenario. Even though I knew he was just agreeing with mum, he didn't actually say it and he just told me to calm down and enjoy my favourite show and have my favourite dessert. And with that they then headed out the door.

Now once again I'd like to point out that my parents are not bad, in fact most of the time they are lovely... but it just feels like after all these years, they are clueless on how to help me whenever I have these moments. I mean, my friends know better calming techniques for me than my own family does... and it feels horrible having to say that.

Anyways, I have calmed down, now that I have watched my favourite show in the whole world (Doctor who star-struckGrinSparkling heart) and my favourite ice cream IcecreamYum. And my parents have now returned and we are now trying to act like nothing happened. But I am left wondering if I should apologise. 

What do you think?

Was I in the wrong? Should I apologise for my outburst?

Has anybody else experienced these stressed and anxious feelings over something seemingly so minor?

Because if I am in wrong here I will apologise and admit my wrongdoing

  • Hi I don’t think you should feel guilty for having a meltdown because it’s not something you’re doing deliberately to is upset someone else but I do think it’s always right to apologise if you’ve hurt someone’s feelings. 

    When the dust has settled explain to your mum that when you raise your voice it’s not an attack on her, it’s your response to the stressful situation. For her it’s an easy task ‘not rocket science’ but for you you’re on a cliff edge and just trying to survive.

    Let her know that shouting back at you will only inflame the situation and that if she can diffuse it that’s a better approach - e.g  she could say ‘ok, just put out the washing you can do and I’ll deal with the rest or leave it and I’ll do it later.’ Or failing that if she’s getting frustrated herself she could walk away and ask your dad to step in to diffuse.

    Also remind her that you need time and that a last minute request is always going to go down badly. If she wants you to sort the washing please can she put less in the washing machine. Just let her know that you two are different and what looks like overreacting to her is genuine fear/ frustration for you. And finally can you get a clothes horse/ drying rack or something so that you always have the option of doing it a different way - she can’t expect you to memorise the jigsaw puzzle she’s planned for the washing. 

  • Hi, maybe it would be easier to solve the laundry issue if you use a hanger instead of radiators. If it’s possible of course. 
    I don’t think you should blame yourself for your meltdowns, but I understand this feeling, I had it same. In my case whenever something was missing on my shelf. I used to replace my items in a state of dissociation and then had meltdown that it was not there. Now not anymore but it was a big problem when I was a  teenager. I used to feel huge shame and guilt for that. It took me years to manage these problems (on my own, no help, no recognition, I was just ‘stupid’ and ‘dramatic’)

  • Definitely identify with what you described. Similar thing happened to me a week ago at work. Ended up a snotty non-verbal bit of a mess. I don't think there's a reason to apologise for your neurology being different, it's not really a choice. 

    I do have an irritating little voice in my head though that says things like 'you need to try harder, your just overblowing things', really dont like that, and it's that voice that makes me question whether I should say sorry.

    Something I did after last week was write a list of things that when they occur together are likely indicators a meltdown is on the way. The little things like clothes not fitting, rearranging my home, smells and sounds being more intrusive and I've stuck it by the front door with the title 'things I must not ignore if they start to happen together!!'. My boss and a few others in my life have it because I'm not good at spotting them at the moment...work in progress. One thing that is really important I think is give yourself recovery time, these things seem to take a real emotional toll. Hope you feel steadier soon. 

  • I don‘t think that you were necessarily ”wrong“. You cannot help your frustration and I also get why that upset you. It is amazing that you‘re able to reflect on what happened, but you should know that it is not you‘re fault, you‘re not able to think as rationally in the situation itself. 
    I really think that nobody is to blame here, it was just a very unfortunate and rushed moment between you and your mother.  Apologising as a sign of good will could still be a good move just so you can be at peace with yourself and your parents.

    Furthermore, I think most of us have been at this point where something seemingly minor just tipped the scale. I remember crying because an app-surface changed while I was studying. I also have had my fair share of conflicts with my parents that started out of nowhere and with no apparent reason, but still ended in shouting, and a meltdown (which usually makes things worse). I also have lovely and supportive parents, but they cannot deal with my issues and are often exhausted,  stressed out or in a hurry. This leads to them being rather sensitive about little things (I mean, I get that) and me having to tip-toe around them many days. I do look forward to moving to my own place. Space will do us a great service, I guess.