I have been watching the series Superman and Lois in iPlayer recently, and an episode I watched last night made me really think about something which ties to our world. I suppose before I start though, I'll say that I'll be describing what happened in that episode (which is late into the series run), so if others were interested in watching it too then I might say spoilers. I will eventually tie it back to the real world though.
I'll assume that everyone knows that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person by now, and he keeps his secret identity at all times. What this episode did though was show the emotional cost this takes on him as a person. To not draw attention to himself, he can't allow himself to take part in activities he enjoys, or make any long lasting friendships. Through a set of flashbacks, he's shown to not be able to join the local softball team because he's simply too strong, or because he's called away at a moments notice. When people start noticing this erratic behaviour and start figuring things out, he withdraws completely to not draw any more suspicion. He brushes it off and says he's used to it, but you can see his self imposed isolation. In the current day, events have unfolded which have made more and more people suspect who he really is, yet he still tries to force his secret to remain because he doesn't know how else to live his life, also trying to teach his sons the same lessons. Finally, when a certain event happens which gives him no choice but to reveal his true identity, he then has to face the new reality that he doesn't need to hide anymore after a lifetime of doing so, which is scary for him.
I think this says a lot about masking for us, I found I could really relate to this. Tying this back to reality - I had my annual review at work this week, so much was positive and everyone is happy with my performance and thinks I'm great to work with. The one feedback item I got was that people have noticed I don't smile a lot though, and that when things don't go to plan then my frustration is starting to become more visible, maybe because I'm starting to unmask a bit now. Naturally, this is the only part of the review process I'm focusing on, because that's how I am.
I still need to process what I should do about it. I understand that nothing said was meant to be intentionally hurtful, I can also see their point of view, but there is now a small part of me that wonders how far I go to do something about it. In the past, I would have blindly made changes to myself and followed their advice, but now I'm wondering if that is to make other people happy or would it make me a better person? Then I'm wondering if I should start telling people more, like my line manager, that although I could try and make some changes, some of them probably just aren't going to happen because of my true self, and that maybe others need to understand that. The timing is ironic too, as my company HR team hosted a neurodivergent talk this week as well saying how we should all be accepting of each. There is just that little part of me now that feels tired to adjust for other people all the time, yet this is what I've done all my life so I don't know how else to be.