As afformentioned, I was diagnosed in 2022 with autism and ADHD (inattentive subtype , ) recently, I have been learning more about my diagnosis, and it has explained so much to me, especially when it comes to things like meltdowns, executive dysfunction and constant fatigue. However, there are significant downsides to this new knowledge I have of myself
I'm 16, and I have always been regarded as more mature and intelligent as opposed to my peers. I have high expectations of myself and can't rest without subtle pangs of guilt in the back my mind. I have struggled a lot in my life, last year I was a borderline alcoholic, in may I almost died on a night out. I have been depressed, bullied and have always had low self-esteem.
However, I don't drink anymore, and I go to a prestigious performing arts school where I do music and have been accepted into sixth form, (which sounds idyllic, but it is not so) and since November I've been trying to working on myself.
Over christmas break, I created a routine for myself. I had never had structure or consistency in my life before this. I would revise for like 4 hours a day no sweat. But then we went back to school. We had 2 weeks of mocks and whilst I could keep up my routines of when I sleep, wake up, what I do every morning etc, I could not muster the energy to revise.
I should also mention a few things for context. I am medicated for ADHD, and I am also anorexic, which has been becoming increasingly terrifying in recent months (though my mind wont accept that). And I think that as a child I experienced some adultification and emotional neglect. I love my mother so much, but she has severe depression, bipolar, and low-self esteem. She had me when she was 18, we lived with my grandparents and moved when I was 5. My mum has days where she is so depressed, she wont get out of bed, and I learnt early on to be as little inconvenience as possible. Anytime I have an issue or problem it's an inconvenience I "just need to have a thicker skin!' however, when it's her, I am her personal confidant, advisor, emotional support and counsellor.
Despite my diagnosis, she is very ignorant of my needs + how it impacts me. If l ask her to watch a video on it, or maybe learn more, she goes ' yeah I will' (and never does' or ' I've known you for 16 years. I know' (interrupted me explaining something important to say this. I always just get upset and say 'sorry, i know, sorry') she had my brother when I was 7 and we moved in with my stepdad who I've always hated.
She's been very depressed for 6 months now, my brother is 9, she wants to divorce my stepdad and move out, and I am the counsellor to her for all of this. Bear in mind, I have GCSE's in 5 weeks time.
In January I suffered a very bad meltdown / burnout, my routine became hard and the less I stuck to it, the worse I felt. I lost all my friends because couldn't handle them always being there,bothering me on my phone, so i stopped replying, and committed social suicide essentially. I lived in my bubble trying to pull myself together, but my habits fell apart, replaced by Pokémon, YouTube, worrying about revising, worrying about food, and worrying about school.
This was it, until the February half-term. I got myself together a bit, and when we went back in March, l was suddenly overcome with the most awful dread of going back to school. 'oh my god. No. I've only just got my routine back its so fragile, I can't go back there with those people and that place.' was pretty much what I thought, and inevitably, I cried din maths ( embarrassingly in front of my ex, he does worry about me though, thats why i broke up with him, haha) And went to talk to my head of year. I told her as best I could what was going on. How I rely on my routine, can't function otherwise, can't revise after school, now I don't want to have my house. etc. All she offered me was a 5 minute rest break during class. She then just badgered me about eating because 3 teachers have reported my weight loss or whatever. 2 reported me behind my back, and 1 of them approached me saying ' James, how are you?honestly? You look a bit... have you lost some weight?' and then she reported me after that ordeal and utter waste of time. ( no, i do not plan on telling them the truth.)
So, talked to my mum and one of my old teachers (doesnt teach anymore, shes more of a friend now than a teacher, she was the one who caught my diagnosis in the first place. oh she also has adhd) and I said I felt like I should just go on study leave. I revise for 18 - 20 hours a week when at home with my routine, I'm not exhausted, constantly put under stress the stress of socialising, being questioned, teachers shouting at us because exams are x amount of weeks away, the list goes on. So we asked, the school said they'd let us know a time to meet about it on Monday, it's the Sunday after that Monday now. They haven't said anything, I haven't left my house in 9 days, but actually, my routine has been good, and I've revised consistently.
But the jeopardy is eating me up, and revising is getting hard. I kept wanting to cry doing physics earlier. I keep slipping into this childish brain where all I want is for it to stop,no more stress, a hug from my mum. I feel overwhelmed, so I shut down for hours and play Pokémon (reminds me of my childhood) and ultimately feel bad because there were other things I should've been doing. I used to cry when thinking about what to eat in a day, but now i sit there meticulously calculating for 30 minutes before eventually having enough and not eating. I need to be strong for my mum, and ive always tried to bring joy and hope to her. But sometimes I wish I could get a bit of help or understanding or care back instead of everything being about how awfully shes struggling and how horrible her life is and how bad she feels about it because i shouldnt have to wake up to her crying in the other room every morning. I tell her not to feel bad, she's only human. She doesn't have to say sorry for having a hard time. She replies with something that makes me feel awful like ' stop making me feel bad about saying sorry' she starts crying. I say I'm sorry l really didn't mean it. I leave.
I'm so scared.
I feel like I'm ruining my own life, I need to revise, but oh my god. It's so convoluted, there's so much, and it's down to me to figure all of this out. I'm 16 years old at the end of the day, I'm autistic, and I need help. I don't want to fail because there was something going on at 16 that I couldn't understand and fix.
So I just need support, from other autistic people or their loved ones or carers, what on Earth do I do. I can't even cope with leaving my house. What is wrong with me?
Any and all advice/ thoughts appreciated. Sorry this is long, I don't often get to rant anywhere other than my journal.
