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Letting go after a conflict

Emmalephant

Hello!

After quite some time I finally feel able to talk about this and maybe someone had similar experiences they would like to share.

I know that it is normal to fight, especially now during my transition to the “adult world”, but the most recent fight between me and my mother seems to stick with me a bit more than usual. I don’t really understand what happened. We started talking about my FSJ (Voluntary Social Year, a common thing to do in Germany). I will spend this year with our local Red Cross emergency service. There were some misunderstandings and I messed up once (I don’t deny that at all). On top of that some complications occurred (thankfully they were resolved yesterday) and my parents (especially my mother) always tend jump to apocalyptic scenarios lately, freaking out about minor mishaps, even though I am the one responsible and I am the one whose future is on the line. 
We started discussing options and suddenly everything escalated so quickly, I don’t know what really happened. I was already pretty much on edge because of a meltdown at school a few days prior and tumbled halfway into a meltdown with all the yelling, thus started subconsciously hitting and scratching myself. My mother then proceeded to grab and restrain my wrists, while still yelling at me to stop crying. She threw my phone at me, hit me on the back of my head and screamed things like: “Why don’t you just pack your bags and go?!” or “We will not pay for university, see to yourself. You’re sick!” 

 My mom is a good person and always tries to do the right thing. She overworks herself and is very stressed. We later apologised to each other and normally it’s fine after, but this time around I‘m unable to really let go. Am I angry? Or am I just disappointed of myself? Maybe I’m just trying to understand what happened. I don’t know, but my thoughts keep going back to this incident.

Did somebody ever have a fight like that and did it resolve itself after a while? I’m too scared to start another fight if I try to talk to her about it. There’s far too much going on to handle that right now.

  • in reply to Emmalephant

    Always a good idea to follow your instincts when it comes to challenging family situations. Best to do whatever you feel will most protect your well being. I used to get scared too because my parents were very ‘good’ at fighting and I would usually pay a high price for trying to stand my ground with them. I hope things settle down a bit for you soon and that things improve. 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Thanks for your advice, I’ll definitely look into deep listening! For now I’m probably gonna let it rest though. I’m a bit too scared about fighting again (discussing a topic in a constructive manner isn’t really her thing) and still don’t really understand what happened. 

  • in reply to Emmalephant

    Here is a link about ‘deep listening’ : youtu.be/hDJBKEOe7Pg

  • Gosh - that sounds incredibly upsetting - no wonder you are still feeling unsettled by this. Your mother hitting you is definitely not ok - I’m so sorry. 
    Do you think it would be possible for you to have a calm conversation with your mother about how you are feeling? In a way that is quiet and calm and not confrontational in any way? And won’t escalate matters again?

    Have you heard of the Buddhist practice of ‘deep listening’? I’ll try and find a link to send to you about this. You and your mother are obviously experiencing strong, difficult emotions and are both struggling to cope with them - hence the escalating of your argument to physical contact. I think what’s needed between the two of you is listening without judgement to each others perspective - and increased understanding on both sides. I’m sure you must love each other and this must be upsetting for both of you - so hopefully this situation can be improved. 

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thank you for sharing your experience and for your kind words. I’m sorry you never got your answer though. The things that stick with one person don’t always seem so memorable to others.

  • in reply to Emmalephant

    You don't sound petty at all, you sound like a wise human being who recognises her own faults just as much as anothers goodness. Incidents like the one you describe are really confusing, especially when you don't think theres any resolution to them. I remember when I was a child and my Mum smacked me really hard and went off on one about 'how dare I', to this day I dont' know what I did, I've asked my Mum and she's forgotten all about it.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    I honestly didn’t really dare to ask her in fear that this might kick off another escalation. I guess she just worries, but I’m not sure and that does indeed drive me a bit crazy.

    I know, I sound petty, but I always try to reflect after incidents like that. It’s just a bit difficult to reconstruct the situation this time around. My mum isn’t a villain just as I’m not a saint, I know that.

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed
    overwhelmed & underwhelmed said:
    you are likely to re-open old wounds, and essentially make them deeper each time

    You got a point there. I feel like that would be the case here. Sometimes talking things out helps, but right now… I think I should let it rest, especially since the starting point of the conflict resolved itself. I think, I’ll let it rest for now, hoping my mind will let it go eventually.

    Thanks for your input!

  • Sounds horrible and confusing, now everyones clamed down a bit, can you ask her what happened from her perspective, her actions do sound a bit over the top?

  • Some people are used to conducting their discussions in an emotionally charged, loud & gesticulating manner.  They don't do calm rationale.   However, the danger is that if you keep revisiting subjects where you KNOW there is division, you are likely to re-open old wounds, and essentially make them deeper each time.

    I am sure you will recover from your argument, but I also imagine you'll both remember it, if it was as bad as you say.  However, I am not sure this will stop it happening again.  People who don't have a filter - or know their limits - often carry on until someone has won, and someone is clearly beaten.  Your Mother is in charge, so she pulled out the ace card (and predictable really) - we wont pay, why don't you leave?   You are both probably experts at identifying each other's weak spots just to make matters worse. 

    Try to discuss, not argue (not that you will).

    It's extreme.  

    Emmalephant said:
    Did somebody ever have a fight like that and did it resolve itself after a while?

    Sure, most people.