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Me and my aunt

hypercolius

I recently lost my aunt. She was an exceedingly valuable person in my life. She made it clear she no longer cared about me. 

  • She cared a lot over the years. I have very nice memories of her from 2012, 2015 and 2016
  • In 2018, she stopped my paternal grandfather from assaulting me, because he didn't like the way I was playing with her son
  • In 2019, she visited me many times and we would go to look for mushrooms in the forest (this was Russia)
  • When I visited her in her UK city, for the first few times, she was extremely friendly and caring. Tried to help me with my heartbreak. Wrote me every day afterwards
  • There were still hurteful moments. On August 26, 2019, this paternal grandfather was trying to take me away from her. Loudly. She didn't care. When I asked her, her response was so indifferent even he looked at me and said 'I'm sorry'. 
  • I discussed talking about that hurt me with him and his sister with my aunt. The next time I tried, she rather painfully told me that she already talked to me about that
  • Just before Covid, when I visited her, she got extremely angry with me when I got scared. She told me if I didn't stop asking that ('Have I done anything wrong?'), she'd ignore it
  • She seemed very caring over summer 2020
  • When my paternal grandfather died, I asked to call her. She said she would next day. She called me then, said she had friends over, and asked if she could call the next day. So, friends were more important than what I was feeling. 
  • She didn't see me until September 2021. She practically did not speak to me. Didn't care. 
  • When I asked if we could just go for a walk in the forest without me visiting that place where my paternal grandfather once lived, which was where someone lived who she was visiting, she angrily said no. 
  • End of October 2021, she was just absent. The first day, she was running around looking for a blender to make someone a cake. A girl my age who had just gotten into university. It wasn't her birthday. When I asked about it, she harshly told me that she'd 'NEVER help me find a girlfriend'.
  • The next day, she ran off again and didn't come back until midnight. She knew how much I wanted to be with her. 
  • The next day after, she and her daughter got into an argument because the daughter didn't want to go to an opera she scheduled for the same weekend as inviting me over. I said I could go. She angrily said no, that my mother wanted me to see the university (she forgot that mum specifically asked her to show it to me given she taught there, but she said her husband would do it, who no longer worked there), and if I had a problem, I should discuss it with her. 
  • When her son broke a jar of Cypriot jam, she hit him so hard he yelped and ran out of the kitchen
  • Then, she walks up to me and tells me she wanted to go- alone- to a neighbour. Again without me. I got really upset. At first, she told me she took nobody there and that she had an 'agreement' with him. Then she got me opera tickets.
  • The next day was halloween and Sunday. She drove me to the station. After that, she ran off to meet that girl my age and her parents. That girl would have studied in the same city as me. 
  • I told my mother when I got back. She was absolutely furious. 
  • We barely spoke afterwards. A year later, I asked if I could visit. She said something like 'the children have different priorities now'.
  • In 2023, she said she wanted to see me before she flew off to Geneva. She was a lot nicer this time, but after that practically never replied to me when I wrote her. 
  • In 2024, a year later, I was bullied out of a society. I wrote her a pleading message, and she responded a week later and didn't even acknowledge what I've written. 
  • When I told her I presented in Parliament, she ignored it outright.

This is all extremely upsetting to me. She was a very valuable person in my life. 

  • Dear hypercolius, 

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with the Online Community. I am sorry to hear that this is extremely upsetting to you.

    If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: www.autism.org.uk/.../seeking-help. 

    You may find counselling helpful (NHS & private), you may like to have a look at the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory under ‘Health & Counsellors’. 

    This guide produced by NAS may be of interest. It collates suggestions on ways professionals can make mental health talking therapies better for autistic people.   

    Content note- the guide contains sections on suicide and self-harm: Good practice guide for professionals delivering therapy  

    I hope this is helpful. 

    Kind Regards,
    Rosie Mod

  • I've wasted many years analysing perceived injustices done by others (and many of them are valid) but getting consumed by them to the extend you seem to be is not going to help.

    It has been suggested in reply to previous posts you've made that you might be better employed to focus on the good in your life (this friend that you value, your impending Uni presentations and such) and try not to dwell on changing what you have no influence over. 

    I've suggested before that you might approach Primary Care for some talking therapy if you feel things are getting too much in general.  Pressure of exams & such can be a very trying time, and it is worth serious consideration.  

  • You have, and have had, if I remember your previous posts correctly, many issues around the behaviour of family members. You have been very precise explaining how these things have been upsetting for you. 

    If you get an opportunity to speak to your aunt again, you could ask her to explain to you what you have done to make her not want to be with you. Please note, I am not accusing you of having done anything, it is sometimes easier to get the information you want by phrasing it that way.

    Unfortunately, other people’s choices, even if they are bad, are out of our control, and sometimes the best thing is to try and let go of the thoughts that preoccupy our minds, not easy, but it is something that can be worked on with a little help from others.

    You could talk to your GP explaining that these thoughts are preoccupying you. You may be offered counselling, CBT or some sort of psychotherapy that would enable you to reframe the situation and allow you to move on with your life.