Hey,
I’ve never posted on a forum before, this is the first time. I’ve been diagnosed with autism my whole life. I’ve never really accepted myself for it, and recently I feel myself spiralling into a dark season of anxiety, depression, panic and just dread. I feel locked into the feeling of accepting that I’ve already failed.
I tend to be a happy positive person. Although I’m not used to opening up about how I feel with my autism with others as I always feel guilty for it, and try to power through. At 25, I’ve done well with getting opportunities as a musician, but I don’t feel mentally focussed and disciplined, and I have really bad executive dysfunction, as I am used to working things out in my mind. Writing things down helps but I’m so used to being in my head is that I abandon the notes I write all the time. It’s like I can’t face them.
At the moment, I really hate the way that I am, even though I have a really supportive family and supportive friends. But I’m in a big slump, I feel burnt out from saying yes to lots of things and work, not just to people please but an inner belief I can do everything, and achieve everything. I feel mentally like a child more than I’ve ever been, and yesterday I felt a horrible feeling to want to just accept failure and drop away from everything.
i feel weak, unable to cope properly in life, but I’m quite good at saying I’m fine and masking. I’m afraid that telling my job for example that every time I teach I feel dread would look over dramatic.
I know I need to be strong. I know people go through worse. And that makes me feel more guilty all the more. And I have a supportive environment, it’s just my mind and negative thoughts often prevail stronger.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for from this post. Maybe to look for a community of others with autism? I do want to fight this slump and improve myself, I feel like I’m turning in a cycle and I’m at the edge. Even this post I’m struggling with perfectionism on it. So I’ll send it as it is.
