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Distressed due to university investigation into me being bullied out of a society

hypercolius

Hi, its your hypercolius again

I'm feeling distressed right now- last year, in October, I joined a society in my university. It seemed like a small, friendly society, and everything was fine for months. 

Before I met my current girlfriend (who I posted about twice), I was romantically interested in another person. She seemed to reciprocate heavily- but there equally were moments when she behaved truly terribly towards me, sometimes sexually flirting with guys right in front of me after I asked her out. 

We went out, I asked her out again, she said 'no for now', but wanted me to bake her brownies and gladly accepted them, and then her friend told me that she felt me and this girl were still friends after I made the decision to stop talking to her due to behaviour at and following a drunk party. This girl- who got herself absolutely hammered- thought it would be a good idea to accuse me of being in her street at 2am. But, given I was asleep at that time and 'her' street is one of the busiest in our city, I didn't think it was. 

17 days later, in November, I was talking to someone else. This person- responsible for welfare in our society- is one of the previous girl's closest friends, yet was always kind to me and offered support when I disclosed my social anxiety. 

However, when I asked her to stop swearing (and this person swears a lot, particularly fond of the S word), she first started disturbing me with unfriendly messages, and then demanded I not attend a society party the next day. When I tried to apologise and said I had ASD in an attempt to get her to stop, she got angrier, accused me of all sorts of untrue things, and then began threatening me with the society's exec, then demanded I leave the society. I didn't. But, due to extreme distress (I was suicidal), I tried to speak to someone. Two people didn't want to hear it (one was at least polite about it, the other just ignored my message) and the third threatened me outright. 

I continued attending, but slowly I began to realise that I was losing friends very rapidly. When it became apparent to me that someone had sabotaged three of my close friendships, I was told that the original girl I went out with and her abusive friend tried to report me. Their report was thrown out. Despite a lack of evidence to support their lies, the university wanted me to agree to a contract which practically one-sidedly limited my movements. I refused. 

I looked at it and realised I had evidence to show that their report was a complete fabrication. I submitted a counter-report, and presented sufficient evidence for my report to be accepted, triggering a full-blown investigation. 

At that moment, one of my friends became hostile, their same nonsense and removed me from the society. When the investigation escalated and three people received emails asking about what the hell was going on, 16 people from the society unfollowed me on social media, with several blocking me outright. I then told the dean of faculty, who said he had the power to intervene personally 'if the outcome didn't satisfy me' and asked me to tell him immediately if that happened. 

So, when all of this had happened, I was told today that the outcome will be known on Monday. 

Scared, I wanted the support of one of my close friends. This friend then told me she wanted to take 'a step back' and 'it was not because of me'. She said she didn't want me to be upset, but wanted me to slow down, referring me to my girlfriend (who I really don't want to know about this and who never would have done this) instead. 

I'm really upset about why my friend did that (especially because her recent behaviour is what caused me to trust her enough to tell her in the first place), and what will be on the outcome letter. I feel that no action will be taken. Unlike my girlfriend, this friend knows about my ASD. 

Parents

  • situations like this are all too common. When some members of a student sociaty decide that a guy, usually an autistic guy, has creepy vibes and should be pushed out. They may not even say it but there is the unspoken understanding that they want you out so they start looking for excuses. Every joke you tell, every throw away remark, they try to cast it in the worst light posible even though it's nothing more than what others are saying or doing. Because it's not really what you've said thats targeted you for vilification it's the way you've said it but you can't trump up a complaint out of a vibe or impresion so they pick on things that sound bad out of context.

    And then when you call them out for the bullying they blaim you and call you manipulative or unapologetic. I know this game. It's an old game. I've been on the reciving end of it myself.

    In my case the university student union did not end up coming down on my side and it ended up in legal action for discrimination. Important to remember that that is an option. At least in the UK. You absolutly can sue officals for trying to push you out of a sociaty because of your autistic 'creepy vibes.' I did. Whether you should? That's a matter for legal advice which unfortunatly we can't give here.

    It sounds like you've gone about it the right way for now though. Go through official university channels, save evidence of everything, emails, letters, online messages etc. And if you get no results from the complaints process the courtroom is avalable. It's just important to remember in the UK discrimination cases have a time limit you have to bring them by.

Reply

  • situations like this are all too common. When some members of a student sociaty decide that a guy, usually an autistic guy, has creepy vibes and should be pushed out. They may not even say it but there is the unspoken understanding that they want you out so they start looking for excuses. Every joke you tell, every throw away remark, they try to cast it in the worst light posible even though it's nothing more than what others are saying or doing. Because it's not really what you've said thats targeted you for vilification it's the way you've said it but you can't trump up a complaint out of a vibe or impresion so they pick on things that sound bad out of context.

    And then when you call them out for the bullying they blaim you and call you manipulative or unapologetic. I know this game. It's an old game. I've been on the reciving end of it myself.

    In my case the university student union did not end up coming down on my side and it ended up in legal action for discrimination. Important to remember that that is an option. At least in the UK. You absolutly can sue officals for trying to push you out of a sociaty because of your autistic 'creepy vibes.' I did. Whether you should? That's a matter for legal advice which unfortunatly we can't give here.

    It sounds like you've gone about it the right way for now though. Go through official university channels, save evidence of everything, emails, letters, online messages etc. And if you get no results from the complaints process the courtroom is avalable. It's just important to remember in the UK discrimination cases have a time limit you have to bring them by.

Children
  • in reply to Peter

    When my mother heard about what happened, she was not impressed. Had to stop her from taking legal action that instant. Her nerves did give out because of my grandmother's diagnosis, but this is not the first time she says that. One time, she did take legal action when a school's staff deprived me of food and allowed me to be bullied. 

    That's pretty much exactly what happened. But, in my case, I was never blamed for anything besides those horrible messages- I was simply pushed out of the society. Whilst those people above are the worst, the society's 'president' is also a particularly nasty individual who feels he has the right to do this (he doesn't)

    The student union is not dealing with this- it is a separate process. I will absolutely take further action if nothing happens now. First, I'll consult my deal of faculty, who has actually shut whole societies down in the past. Whilst I am male, I am also a disabled student and one who seems to have impressed him to the point he is going to do a news item on me. I'll escalate progressively, but his exact words were:

    'If you are not satisfied with the outcome, come to me and we will discuss our next steps' 

    One thing that astonished me is that one of the girls once told me that 'this happened before'. In this society. With her. Before me. 

    For now, at least, I have been directly told that the president of the society and the girl who threatened me after I wanted support breached university regulations. And these people were not the ones who made me feel suicidal.