I have diagnoses of ADHD, autism, C-PTSD, a serious eating disorder, PMDD and, as well as all those, under chronic stress (all the time?) I struggle with psychosis (paranoia and delusions).
I simply don't know how to cope anymore. I am 33, have two kids. I always found it hard to cope at the best of times, but in recent years things have gotten 1000 times worse. I see no way through whatsoever. I have tried everything I can think of to reduce my levels of stress. Nothing is helping. It's like a drop of water to a monumental raging fire.
At 12 years old I wanted to go live with a rainforest tribe - I had had enough of modern western society with all its chaos, pomp and pointless complexity on all sides. Now, two decades on, I feel tortured and tormented to a shadow of myself and I cannot take anymore. I'm utterly exhausted and my nervous system is disintegrating further day by day. I have fought with all I had within for years and years and I have nothing left to give.
But I'm stuck. I have two kids. Yet I cannot help myself - how can I help them? I have my husband but he works full time and cannot help.
Life should not be this complicated. I'm dying because of how complicated everything is. Because our way of living is not truly human-focused. This is not what life was ever supposed to be. Our world's systems are intent on destroying every living thing, and mine is a slow death.
Okay, I'm sorry for how morbid and (some would say) pessimistic this is, but I am really not coping at the moment, nor do I see how that can possibly change (I really have tried all I can think of over the years). I need a holiday from life, a retreat to simply focus on myself. I need to go live in a community where we all share and help one another, including the parenting. Or I need life to pause or slow down or stop being so manically, relentlessly, chaotically stressful. I can have neither of those things.
