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It's really hard to advise you. I also married young, and have been married for over 40 years, but every person and every relationship is different.
All I could suggest is sitting down with her and saying you want to stop playing games and be totally honest with each other, and think about whether you really do want to spend the rest of your lives apart and co- parent your son, with all the difficulties that would entail. Sometimes realising what could happen if you don't change things is sobering and helps you get things in perspective.
To recover from a situation like this you need to both be able to "wipe the slate clean" and start afresh, no recriminations, complete honesty from that day forward. You may also need to cut some other people out of your lives, at least for a bit, while you focus on repairing your relationship and learn to live together happily again.
I do not judge you at all, I wish you the best outcome.
To recover from a situation like this you need to both be able to "wipe the slate clean" and start afresh, no recriminations,
This is the best way forward but for it to work you need both people wanting the same outcome and it sounds like your wide is not on the same page as you.
My recommendation would be to find a relationship counsellor with experience of working with neurodiverse people as conventional techniques are unlikely to be suitable for you. Your pastor is probably too close to be impartial so I would not use them,
Once you have tracked down some options then the hard bit is to get your wife to agree. To do this I would probably create a situation without any distractions but still in a safe place (eg once your son is out the house for a few hours) and tell her you need to talk.
Have the points you are concerned about written down and try to avoid any assumptions (eg she is having an affair is an assumption) - stick with observable facts and shared experiences that illustrate the issues.
Tell her you are worried that she is pulling away from you and you want to find that spark together to make her happy and bring the magic back to the relationship.
Give her plenty of time to absorb what you are saying and process it - it will probably be a bit of a slap in the face for her so keep to the script without accusations.
Be prepared that there may be reasons you are not expecting, things you do that you were not aware were an issue or even angry outbursts - these are all quite possible in what will be a pressured situation.
It will really help if you can agree what "success looks like" as you may actually have different ideas and actually have grown apart over the years.
Once you get to the point of starting couples therapy then things get much more structured and laid out so this should help your regimented ways of thinking, but your wife may have a more organic approach so it will be good to agree that you are good to do things in your own ways so long as you agree on what is important and can talk frankly about it without fear.
One caveat with all of this, you need to be prepared to handle the situation if your wife does not want to work on it and may actually just want out - this is always a worst case scenario so it is worth hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst.
Good luck
all she says is I dont Know
This is a challenge that you can only try to get her to engage with - and it sounds as if she may already have one foot out the door.
There is an interesting article about the balance of power in a relationship that is appropriate here:
Summed up it means the partner who wants it to work the most has the least power to do so.
It donsn't help you achieve what you want but understanding the dynamic at play here may help you put it in context and help you feel less anxious.
It may help to have a blunt discussion about what is happening and what the outcomes are for the future.
Can she support herself financially? Can she live effectively on her own and support your son even with you paying maintenance?
One last bit of advice - get the contact for a recommended divorce lawyer and get them on retainer so you have the worst case scenario covered. Find out how things can work if she leaves with your son for example. All unpaletable options but knowing how they can play out gives you some peace of mind simply though reducing the unknowns.
If you can afford it then a personal therapist (with autism experience) should also be a great resource for you to talk things through with. They may be able to give advice on getting your partner to engage with you in the talks but more importantly they can help you process this situation.
all she says is I dont Know
This is a challenge that you can only try to get her to engage with - and it sounds as if she may already have one foot out the door.
There is an interesting article about the balance of power in a relationship that is appropriate here:
Summed up it means the partner who wants it to work the most has the least power to do so.
It donsn't help you achieve what you want but understanding the dynamic at play here may help you put it in context and help you feel less anxious.
It may help to have a blunt discussion about what is happening and what the outcomes are for the future.
Can she support herself financially? Can she live effectively on her own and support your son even with you paying maintenance?
One last bit of advice - get the contact for a recommended divorce lawyer and get them on retainer so you have the worst case scenario covered. Find out how things can work if she leaves with your son for example. All unpaletable options but knowing how they can play out gives you some peace of mind simply though reducing the unknowns.
If you can afford it then a personal therapist (with autism experience) should also be a great resource for you to talk things through with. They may be able to give advice on getting your partner to engage with you in the talks but more importantly they can help you process this situation.
