I'm looking for some advice, or perhaps just a space to vent.
I'm 21 and grew up undiagnosed and therefore heavily masking and very anxious, but I kept to myself and struggled alone. I was diagnosed as autistic in September.
I'm not not close with my mum, but I'm not close enough with her as my sister is, and especially not to the extent where i can confide in her and talk to her about things - i never have been and its starting to feel like no matter how hard i try, i never will be. I've never expressed my feelings with anyone, apart from my current partner.
I've struggled with anxiety ever since i can remember and depression since i was 18 and at university. I was grateful to move away from home and live at uni, but it worsened my mental health and it helped me come to the realisation that I'm autistic, as i was in a new place and realised i didn't have to pretend to be someone else, or hide my struggles from everyone.
I now live at home still with my mum and siblings, and my partner moved in over a year ago. However, this means it is harder to hide my struggles, especially with employment. I had part time jobs as a barista during my time at university and at home. But university caused me such burnout, as well as trying to work the part time jobs, and hiding everything from my mum. As well as the burnout and exhaustion from being undiagnosed my entire life.
I quit my barista job in July, and went on universal credit. A week before my autism assessment, i started a new job working from home. I thought it would be perfect for me, as the thing i struggle with the most is social situations. I thought that if i didnt have to speak with people face to face, it would be easier to stay in work and earn my own money. However i was deeply wrong. I couldn't even talk over voice call during the work training without having panic attacks and meltdowns. I tried to ask for reasonable adjustments but there wasn't much they could do as i was in training, and i think that my supervisor thought it was ok to push me and get me out of my 'comfort zone' even though thats not the case! its not just being shy or quiet etc. Anyway, after 5 days i quit as it was too much and i was on the verge of a shutdown and my mental health declined.
So since the middle of september, ive been unemployed. My partner insisted i take a break and work on myself after my diagnosis, as she works full time and can financially support us with regards to living with my family. However, my mum has not gotten off my back about finding a new job. I had to lie to her both times when i quit because i knew she wouldn't understand it was due to my mental health. She thinks i got asked to leave from my barista job because they had no shifts for me, and i told her i didnt pass the training for my recent job. I feel so awful lying and it makes me so anxious, but there was no other way. She's so judgmental and doesn't understand autism or even anxiety, i knew she wouldn't understand in the slightest. She thinks that everyone worries sometimes and that no one likes to work but we have to put up with it. It's not even true, i did like working i liked my barista job. It has nothing to do with liking it or not. I want more than anything to be able to support myself and move out with my partner.
I just have no idea what to do. I cant keep telling her theres no jobs (even though im not even looking). She knows im on universal credit, and i told her that they wanted me to fill out forms because i reported my autism to them. but she doesnt understand what it all means and thinks being on universal credit is temporary whilst i find a job. She has some strong opinions on the benefits system and i already know what she would say if i told her i was trying to get some kind of disability financial support, even if it is just the limited work capability with universal credit.
i have a work capability assessment coming up, which my mum knows about, but again i dont think she actually knows what it is or means. i'm scared that if i am eligble for benefits, i dont know how to tell her. she'll think im being lazy and just need to get over it.
i feel so lost and stuck and alone. I feel so guilty and at times feel like im faking and do just need to get over it.
im trying to get into self employed pet sitting, as ive cat sat for a neighbour and family friends a few times. it feels like my only chance at having my own income, if i could ever get it going. I only have one request for a booking and am waiting to hear back. I only have one booked over christmas, but thats from a family friend and not through the app that i use. It feels like itll never come of much, and therefore isnt good enough for my mum or even seem like im trying. But i really am. I have no idea what to do and am desperately trying my best. I dont want to rely on my partner forever, especially since we hope to move out and have our own family etc. We cant live off of her income alone. I just want my own income, but without judgement from my mum. I feel like as long as i live under her roof, i have to do what she says and be subject to her scrutiny. I feel bad as she has been supportive of everything else in my life, including when i came out as a lesbian and letting my girlfriend move in.
