Escapism. How can i make friends

Hi! (I went to read your profile - if you feel this forum helps you then it is the place for you. It's for autistics, diagnosed and self suspecting autistics, people just thinking they might be, parents of autistic children/adults, etc.)

Tbh most of the people who are my friends right now are ones I have met through one of my two best friends. (And one of those two I met through the other lol).

There's a new friend I made recently who I met up for coffee with after a mutual friend asked me to help out this person who had just moved into the area and didn't know anyone. We really clicked and made concrete arrangements to meet again. It wasn't necessarily something I was expecting but I'm glad it happened.

I try, when I am feeling able, to attend group events that interest me. I figure if at least there's a bunch of other people who like the same thing then it's good practice at socialising and even if I don't get new friends out of it, it widens my acquaintance group and I've done something interesting.

That sounds interesting (group events)

Do you have enough confidence to actively talk to new people and make friends. Or does it come naturally 

Sometimes I have the confidence and energy to make the effort. Sometimes I don't. I don't necessarily go out to engage with other people but if I think of something interesting or have a contribution to make then I will say something short. And wait to see what the response is so I can figure out how to proceed. 

If the response is confusion or  a short embarrassed laugh then I'd back off. If they engage more positively, for example making a statement of their own or agreeing then I would continue with a back and forth, constantly reminding myself not to infodump or dominate the conversation. 

It doesn't come naturally, but I didn't grow up knowing I was autistic and was expected to be social so I learnt how to do it. I also went to a youth drama group as a child so pretending is something I am good at. I pretend I am a social person. It tires me out, but it gets me to the point where I have friends and then I can unmask around them if need be.

Hey Jake

I suppose that depends on who you talk to and if you care about if a neurotypical person might perceive you as different?

With your own kind I am sure the unmasked version would be perfect.

I have masked my way through many years with no real benefit, I have friends but they probably wouldn’t like me that much if I wasn’t masking and pleasing them. Most my friends which aren’t many are neurotypical and have feel drained when I have spent an amount of time with them. I really don’t have the energy anymore and that’s why I love being on here, I feel like I belong somewhere now.
I would say the kindest way to yourself is not to mask but I feel hypocritical saying that as I’m really struggling to lose the mask. 

Anyway Jake it’s nice to meet you and welcome to the forum

BeccaLovesBreakfast said:

It doesn't come naturally, but I didn't grow up knowing I was autistic and was expected to be social so I learnt how to do it. I also went to a youth drama group as a child so pretending is something I am good at. I pretend I am a social person. It tires me out, but it gets me to the point where I have friends and then I can unmask around them if need be.

That is exactly how I feel about it all. As you said sometimes I can do it and sometimes I don’t even try. I would like to perhaps meet others like me in person one day to see if I find that a more natural way to connect. I tried looking for local meet up groups near me but it’s a bit sparse around here. 

Ok sounds good. From my experience im more hurt when im myself, like easily offended when i say something unmasked. I think ive got to find a balance of it. Thank you very much for taking the time to talk and give info to me, i think im exsperiancing alot of good from this website, and you have helped so thanks

Ok sounds good. From my experience im more hurt when im myself, like easily offended when i say something unmasked. I think ive got to find a balance of it. Thank you very much for taking the time to talk and give info to me, i think im exsperiancing alot of good from this website, and you have helped so thanks