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Depression

BeccaLovesBreakfast

(Not necessarily looking for advice or anything, just needed to share my feelings with others who might understand)

So, on the Saturday there I had one of my depression dips, and wrote down what I was feeling as if it were a social media post, but I didn't post it anywhere. Just writing it did give me some satisfaction though it didn't necessarily make me feel any better. But it's helpful to have around to remind myself that I do actually have depression and I'm not just faking it for attention or whatever.

"Today I have the "I hate myself and everything about me" flavour of depression. I know it's also exhaustion, and grief, and anxiety and my neurodivergent brain all combining into a perfect storm. There is nothing I can do about this but wait for it to pass, and keep telling myself it will pass.

Distraction sometimes works, if I can muster up the energy or sheer self-disgust in order to wash the dishes. At least the dishes will be clean at the end of it. But telling myself all the good things I have done, or trying to do something I enjoy just backfires and feeds the self-hatred. I want to smash everything I've ever made, tear up everything I've ever written and then set it on fire; I want to erase every trace of me on this earth and strike my name from the record.

I know this is an erroneous attitude and I know that I won't feel this forever, but it comes in crippling waves and I had so much I needed to get done today and instead I'm just sobbing and hating myself for failing yet again."

And then on Sunday I was so overwhelmed by trying to tidy my lounge and clean the flat for people coming over that I was sobbing as I did it. But it would have been worse if I'd cancelled, because it would just have been another thing I'd failed at.

I'm alright just now though, but it does leave me exhausted and emotionally fragile. Still got work the rest of this week, a three hour volunteering session on Saturday, workmen coming to start fixing the roof, and then on Sunday I'm heading off for a five day writing retreat with a bunch of strangers. Which I am excited about but also anxious. And I do feel that I need a week of just being alone in my flat, but I've still got my lodger here for another five months, and she is nice and not really too much bother but sometimes I just want to close the door and be by myself.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you. Listing the benefits of the task is a good idea. I also like listening to music although I have to be careful as I feel the emotions from music quite powerfully and sometimes it can hit me the wrong way if a particular song comes up on my playlist. For example, I was chopping vegetables the other month and listening to music and a song came up that I used to listen to a lot and it just struck me that the lyrics perfectly described how I felt about my depression and all of a sudden I was sobbing uncontrollably on the floor clutching a knife. 

    It is scary and amazing how music can have such power.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing your tips. Much appreciated. Your work on the parquet flooring sounds incredible. Very satisfying. I have hand stripped old Victorian rafter boards that I salvaged to use as shelving and it was a good thing to get stuck into. The old varnish was so thick! (But thankfully mostly brittle in places, so I could scrape it off with an old chisel).

  • in reply to Jake harmer

    Thank you. I've never been particularly good at meditation, but at this retreat I am going to there are a couple of beginners yoga sessions offered so I will see how they go.

  • in reply to Iain

    That is a really useful tip now all I have to do is think about how I will apply it. Oops back to thinking and procrastinating!

  • BeccaLovesBreakfast said:
    Distraction sometimes works, if I can muster up the energy or sheer self-disgust in order to wash the dishes. At least the dishes will be clean at the end of it.

    To get through this phase in the past I found it best to write down the benefits of doing the task so I could see the tangible reason for doing it and then put on some music and went into auto pilot mode while I did the task.

    It helps to have the distraction of a second sensory stream going on that you can use to keep your mind stimulated with while you do the less pleasant task and once you get into the way of doing this more often then it can expand into other tasks and make your dealing with chores a lot less of a pain.

    I've been able to expand the technique and no longer need the external stimulus of music as I let my mind wander on its own to anything from my memories, singing to myself (in my head only thankfully for those around me), planning or just wandering though the myriad of interests I have.

    To prove what it can do, I've just finished 7 days solid of work in installing parquet flooring (made up of 7cm x 21cm wooden blocks). I sourced these secondhand, cleaned them all up (scraping off the old pitch from the base), graded and sized them, repaired the damaged ones and then prepared the floor to be perfectly flat and level and glued them all down in a pattern the owner wated.

    7 days of 8 hours a day working on a small range of tasks, all very manual and repetetive and often very messy (especially the cleaning then the glueing stages) and other than being physically tired I was mentally fine.

    I always find not thinking about the task helps - just do it. Don't give your mind the potential to procrastinate or stress, just get stuck in while thinking of the nice thing you will do later and treat the task like background noise or maybe about the walk you have to take to get to the ice cream shop (ie it is a means to an end so don't focus on the means, just the end).

    Just sharing what worked for me.

  • Failure is giving up. You havent given up. Sorry to hear that your struggling, ive found meditation to work sometimes. Zoning away from everything you stress about or focusing on the present moment might work for you :)

  • I don't have advice either. (If you have PDA - ignore this next bit) Don't ever act on destroying your things. You've posted some lovely creations, physical and written. I have similar feelings and understand them all too well. I think a lot of us here do too. But, you have a positive effect on the world around you. That much is obvious, even if it doesn't seem like it. 

  • in reply to BeccaLovesBreakfast

    I can imagine, i'd be nervous too but that's the beauty of it. You're still pushing through and doing it which is amazing! Hope you have an amazing time :) 

  • in reply to Mia151515

    Thank you so much. I am looking forward to it, but a bit nervous. I have been on a three day workshop (book binding) before but this is the longest time I will have been away by myself.

    Sorry to hear you also struggle with depression. 

  • Hey, i cant offer much advice as i also struggle with depression and not good at communicating however I wanted to say how amazing you are for doing a 5 day retreat when you're feeling this way! You should be so proud, you're achieving more than you may realise Slight smile