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My autistic son, my wife and I are going through absolute hell due to a horrendous misunderstanding and can’t speak to anyone in our local community:

NAS96703

I premise this by stressing that I am a new member and in agreement with forum rules, I am not looking for legal advice - just a way to vent my frustrations to people who might understand. I’m sure the outcome will eventually be fine, but the stress might knock a few years off our lives and may forever change our outlook on life

My 16-year-old son, who exhibits motor tics, vocal tics, and autistic stimming behaviours, recently studied in a quiet library quite normally for one hour without interacting or seeing anyone. Five days later we learned he has been accused of masturbating by another library user who heard his tics and observed his arms briefly moving from a distance and wrongly concluded he was masturbating. The library management passed the report to the Child Protection Agency who in turn passed the report on to the police to investigate. We don't know who the accuser is. My son has not yet been asked to explain his actions and the security camera footage has not yet been viewed after 3 long and gruelling weeks. Of course, just asking my son why he was making such noises and why his hands were moving and asking him whether they can view the footage with parental consent would have cleared things up in a very short time frame. Having to go through a multi-week police investigation process where his case is handed from department to department without anyone caring is such an unfortunate, traumatic and stressful experience that is having hugely negative effects on our health. My son is mentally very strong, but I can imagine some other children being driven to suicide by such embarrassment. In the meantime, we have no help and can’t talk to anyone for fear of our reputations being ruined. Is this the right way of doing things because from our point of view, it seems absolutely crazy and we are really struggling?

We're based in Ireland so the Child protection agency is TUSLA and the 'police' should read 'Garda'

 

Parents

  • Although this must be extremely upsetting and you have my utmost sympathy, please try to get some perspective. When someone thinks something bad is happening it’s ok that they talk to the police. The police are there to find out what has happened. They are not there to support the accuser. They can and usually do take a while to investigate to make sure they are correct in their findings.

    Trust the process and try not to imagine the worst happening, it won’t.

    In the future, and I know in a perfect world you shouldn’t have to do this, your son could have a printed sheet that explains his condition and how it presents. When he goes into an environment like the library he could give it to the staff so that they are aware. 

    Finally, don’t tell anyone. People enjoy a good gossip and like to think the worst.

    Soon it will all be behind you and you’ll just put it down to life’s wobbles. It’s horrible but it will be ok, try to be positive and patient. 

  • in reply to NAS66534

    Thank you so much for your excellent reply. We have read it over and over again and it has helped us immensely - thank you. Fortunately we decided immediately not to confide in family and friends for the reason you suggested. On speaking to people (using calm, reasoned, polite logic) who are in charge of the case, we have met far more suspicion than we expected. The highest-ranked person we have dealt with so far has been the only person who truly listened and expressed genuine concern and a genuine willingness to help. Our latest strategy is my wife has written a letter explaining everything clearly and in a friendly tone to the accuser - We asked for it to be passed on to her. We'll see how effective this is. In the meantime, we will keep your comment in mind, "Soon it will all be behind you and you’ll just put it down to life’s wobbles. It’s horrible but it will be ok, try to be positive and patient."  

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  • in reply to NAS66534

    Thank you so much for your excellent reply. We have read it over and over again and it has helped us immensely - thank you. Fortunately we decided immediately not to confide in family and friends for the reason you suggested. On speaking to people (using calm, reasoned, polite logic) who are in charge of the case, we have met far more suspicion than we expected. The highest-ranked person we have dealt with so far has been the only person who truly listened and expressed genuine concern and a genuine willingness to help. Our latest strategy is my wife has written a letter explaining everything clearly and in a friendly tone to the accuser - We asked for it to be passed on to her. We'll see how effective this is. In the meantime, we will keep your comment in mind, "Soon it will all be behind you and you’ll just put it down to life’s wobbles. It’s horrible but it will be ok, try to be positive and patient."  

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