"Not allowed" to be autistic

I'm sorry you feel you can't be yourself. I am not a parent myself, but my father was autistic. (I am also autistic.) He was never diagnosed, but I am certain he was. And, by the end of his life, I think he had come to realize the truth as well.

I know he found certain aspects of parenthood difficult. My mother knew this and she did try to help him with some things. For example, he found it hard to socialize with other parents so my mother did most of the socializing as she is very good at it. But, with other aspects, she was not so understanding. There were times when she would get annoyed that he wasn't pretending to be fine, that he wasn't masking. For example, one Christmas when my dad was suffering with poor mental health, he spent a lot of the day stimming. (If you don't already know, stimming is self stimulation that autistic people use to regulate there nervous/sensory system. I t can include a variety of things like repeating noises, flapping hands, etc.) My dad sat on the carpet and rocked himself backwards and forwards while we opened gifts. And, my mother got angry with him. She felt that he was being weird and that because it was Christmas he should at least pretend to be ok. The fact is that he and my mother didn't always agree on how he should behave. This did result in heated arguments sometimes. But, I think that was ok, necessary even. Arguments are a natural part of all relationships, and as long as you can work through them, and continue to love each other that's all that matters. My mother loved my father, autistic quirks and all.

And, I loved my father too. He was a good dad. Sometimes he annoyed me with his autistic behavior, but as I grew older and learned more about autism, I became more understanding and accepting of him. Now, I have recently been diagnosed with autism myself and I wish he were still here. I realize that he accepted my weirdness before I even realized I was different. And, I know he would understand me far more than my mother does. As I am sure you understand your daughter's difficulties. 

Seeing him struggle with being different was difficult to watch. And, making adjustments for him could be frustrating. But, the fact is, my family did make adjustments for him. Sometimes, I think my mother did too much to accommodate him. But, there were other times when reasonable changes had to be made. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want people to make adjustments for you, especially if they aren't large ones. But, whether people will be willing to make any changes for you is a whole other story. Also, I think it is unfair for your family to expect you to mask all the time. I realize that when you have young children, it can sometimes be better to keep some things secret. My father definitely masked around me when I young. But some secrets shouldn't be kept forever. Maybe one day you can talk to your daughter about autism and the difficulties you both face with it. I always found it comforting to be able to talk to my dad about my mental health issues (anxiety and depression) because he suffered with those issues too and he understood what I was going through.

Thank you for sharing this, it means a lot to me. Sometimes I do try and talk to my daughter, but she puts up her own barriers so I don't exactly know how much gets through to her. We sometimes have this relationship like magnets - sometimes we repel each other, so just don't get along, and other times we attract so we just "get" each other perfectly. With us it's an either-or situation, we don't do middle ground!

Thank you for sharing this, it means a lot to me. Sometimes I do try and talk to my daughter, but she puts up her own barriers so I don't exactly know how much gets through to her. We sometimes have this relationship like magnets - sometimes we repel each other, so just don't get along, and other times we attract so we just "get" each other perfectly. With us it's an either-or situation, we don't do middle ground!