Published on 12, July, 2020
This is a bit of a rant, but I'm in an unhappy mood. Right now I feel like I'm not allowed to be the true me, like I'm expected to mask all the time because I'm the parent in a family and I must be the one who leads by example.
Our autistic daughter just started secondary school, so us and the school have made sure that she's been settled in as best as possible. Everyone has been really good to her, and made sure she's included yet also provisioned for. Everyone tells us how she's allowed to be herself and make her as comfortable as possible.
But, and this is me feeling a bit selfish here, who says any of that to me? Just because I'm 30 years late to the party, do I not get any acceptance or adjustments to help me? This is one of the reasons why I chose not to get a diagnosis myself, because I knew deep down that no-one would care - just carry on and remember to be reasonable all the time.
The true me came out tonight which almost resulted in an argument with my wife. And although I think she's ok with it now, I'm just reliving all the bad emotions and memories again since I can't let go.
Thank you everyone. It is a new day, my bad mood has passed. I think because my usual week had some upheaval, causing some issues for me, and I'm going through a project at work where they are never happy with anything - being told constantly what you're doing isn't good enough will get anyone down.
I feel I should point out that my wife is as supportive as it is possible to be, I don't feel let down by her. There will be limits to what she will understand - it is similar for me trying to understand her problems she's faced in her life, because I've never experienced them myself it becomes a lot harder to empathise. And when I do try to explain sometimes that maybe she could not jump between conversation topics in one go so I can keep up, she doesn't understand why that's an issue. It's what she's used to. I do find that hard trying to explain things over and over again yet making no progress. But we do love each other and for the most part we are in a good relationship.
I wasn't exactly brought up this way, but I have somehow learned that I've needed to solve all my own problems myself. It's a philosophy I've always lived by (probably due to my own lack of connection with people), but there are occasions where it does wear me down, where I would just like things to either stop or someone else deal with my problems. Everyone needs a break now and again.
I can relate to a lot of that. It may be autism - I don't know, but I fractured my toe as a kid and it never occurred to me to ask my mum about it. I'm used to solving things myself and am now finding that I need other people.
My wife is from a household of 3 sisters. Their normal method of communication is to rapid fire questions and talk all over each other. I put my hand up if I want to say something.