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"Not allowed" to be autistic

pdaddio83
2 days ago

This is a bit of a rant, but I'm in an unhappy mood. Right now I feel like I'm not allowed to be the true me, like I'm expected to mask all the time because I'm the parent in a family and I must be the one who leads by example.

Our autistic daughter just started secondary school, so us and the school have made sure that she's been settled in as best as possible. Everyone has been really good to her, and made sure she's included yet also provisioned for. Everyone tells us how she's allowed to be herself and make her as comfortable as possible.

But, and this is me feeling a bit selfish here, who says any of that to me? Just because I'm 30 years late to the party, do I not get any acceptance or adjustments to help me? This is one of the reasons why I chose not to get a diagnosis myself, because I knew deep down that no-one would care - just carry on and remember to be reasonable all the time.

The true me came out tonight which almost resulted in an argument with my wife. And although I think she's ok with it now, I'm just reliving all the bad emotions and memories again since I can't let go.

Parents
  • 2 days ago

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Perhaps a little self-advocacy might help, by way of sharing more with your family about how you're feeling and what changes you'd prefer to be able to make?

    pdaddio83 said:
    I'm expected to mask all the time because I'm the parent in a family and I must be the one who leads by example

    As you probably know, masking by autistic people can have very harmful impacts  - such as it being one of the reasons why we can be more at risk of mental health issues and suicide.

    So you could perhaps strengthen your case by explaining that, by unmasking more yourself, you actually would be doing exactly that - leading by example.

    More information: 

    NAS - The impact of masking

    It might also be worth considering couples (or even family?) therapy (with a neurodivergent-experienced therapist) to help you and your wife explore and work through this. 

    Also / alternatively, this book might be helpful to you as a couple: 

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

Reply
  • 2 days ago

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Perhaps a little self-advocacy might help, by way of sharing more with your family about how you're feeling and what changes you'd prefer to be able to make?

    pdaddio83 said:
    I'm expected to mask all the time because I'm the parent in a family and I must be the one who leads by example

    As you probably know, masking by autistic people can have very harmful impacts  - such as it being one of the reasons why we can be more at risk of mental health issues and suicide.

    So you could perhaps strengthen your case by explaining that, by unmasking more yourself, you actually would be doing exactly that - leading by example.

    More information: 

    NAS - The impact of masking

    It might also be worth considering couples (or even family?) therapy (with a neurodivergent-experienced therapist) to help you and your wife explore and work through this. 

    Also / alternatively, this book might be helpful to you as a couple: 

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

Children
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