Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm in my late 20s. I used to feel somewhat in control but now I feel like every single movement, breath, emotion etc is being controlled by those around me.
I may as well lock myself in a dark room all day. It seems I'm a problem whenever I do anything beyond existing. Heck, even existing is a problem.
I act out to make a point, even more than I did. As recently as a few days ago, I went 24 hours without food and drink (bar rinsing my mouth a few times). I had every intention of keeping that up, and/or becoming a missing person.
I'm regressing and I can't stop it.
Hey HMO,
This sounds so frightening. Here if you need to chat, but just wondering if you have any other support in place, anyone else that knows about what you're going through? The decision you took to post here feels like a really powerful challenge to the control others have over you in so much of the rest of your life, and I admire that. Keep going - it can be so lonely, but you can always come here to connect
I have a therapist and a friend, plus someone else I talk to (just in an acquaintance setting) but that's about it. It seems to be almost impossible to get it across to others.
I post about it in some Reddit communities just to get it off my chest. I've talked about the root cause of it on here many times, again just to get it off my chest.
On Monday just gone, I drove to London (which is 2 hours from where I am) in part of my attempt to challenge that feeling of control. I went planespotting, because that's something I wanted to do and chose to do, and it was an attempt at fighting against any perceived threat in my head where someone's saying "you're not allowed to do anything you want".
I do put the root cause down to a massive group of internet users who, indirectly, declared my life over and decided that I don't deserve to live. No one defended me.
Maybe you need to reassess your life and take back control?
Do you have a job? If so, do you hate it or the people you work with? Can you change jobs?
Who do you live with? Do you feel they are trying to control you/your life? If so, can you move somewhere else?
Do you have friends /acquiaintances who you feel are controlling? If so, can you find better friends through activities you enjoy?
Or is it mostly people posting stuff online that is causing you distress? Maybe you could stop using all social media except this forum?
If anyone posts anything that upsets you on here, it's best to say so, then it gives the person the chance to apologise if there has been a misunderstanding. Also the mods will intervene if necessary. But mostly we try to help each other, so I hope it helps you.
I don't have a job but I've made a point of seriously searching this month.
I live with my family. I feel like they are - they insist that they are not, and to be honest, I do have the tendency to exaggerate. I might say things like "you're not even letting me breathe in my own house, I'm not allowed to do anything bar sleep" and I know it's rubbish, but I do it deliberately. Why? Because I want them to come out with something that I can believe. Something beyond "we're not stopping you from doing anything".
It's mostly people online. I don't even know why because it was 16 months ago and I couldn't be further away from that community. It was Twitter - this forum has not been a problem though one comment a long while back (I asked for that whole thread to be deleted) really rubbed me up the wrong way because someone suggested I was trying to get attention.
I regret not responding to it at the time.