Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m gonna confess to a lot of horrible decisions I’ve made. I will also provide context and explanations, not to excuse my bad actions, but to try to make sense in order to solve this issue.
Naturally, my autism makes me highly emotional and sensitive to rejection. Although there is nothing shameful about experiencing intense emotions, it doesn’t make my vile behaviour acceptable. Regardless of what I’m upset about or what caused it, no one else is responsible for my actions, but myself. And it’s no one else’s responsibility but mine to do better.
To simply put it, I’ve became a massive ***. Starting from 17-20(current age), I’ve been more openly rude to others. Although I’ve always had mean thoughts as a teenager, I knew to keep it to myself and remain polite because:
• It’s common sense
• I want others to treat me the same way I treat others
Growing up, I’ve been an easy target to bullying. However, I never stood up to myself as a teen and the aftermath would leave me in tears, feeling significantly insecure, depressed, anxious and suicidal. In Addition, I started self harming due to the bullying. Regardless, I still treated others with kindness because I hated the thought of being a horrible person. Nowadays, I fear that I’ve became what I hated the most.
During college / my first job, I was bullied for being ugly and socially awkward. At some point, I relapsed and began to self harm again due to the treatment I received at work. As well, I developed body dysmorphia and considered suicide. I’ve been targeted by many men my age and I noticed a pattern. They were all conventionally attractive men who were loved by everyone. They received little to no consequence. As a result, I became jealous, leading to never ending bitterness. This made me think to myself, “if no one cares enough to be kind to me, why should I fucking care about being kind to others?”
I’ve developed bad anger issues leading to me saying horrible things which I later regret. When someone hurts me, I go to the extreme end and take my anger out on that person/others with the intention of wanting to hurt them. These are a few examples:
• Despite having body image issues, I take out my insecurities and insult others for their looks. One includes a guy who first targeted me a work. I went on a rant about his acne, saying that his skin is disgusting to look at, and how I’m surprised he hasn’t been cheated on. Another incident includes a male coworker who I thought was being rude to another female coworker. As a result, i picked on his height and said he has “small boy energy”.
•when I thought a coworker was mocking my voice, I called her a “whore”.
•When my teacher noticed I was in a bad mood, he tried making me laugh by screaming my name in a shrieky voice. In response, I yelled at him to “shut the *** up”
•when a girl I was jealous of (she was the gf of a guy who targeted me) was singing purposely badly and loudly, I yelled at her to “shut the *** up and kill herself.”
Once again, my actions are inexcusable. It doesn’t matter whether someone hurt me first, I should learn to control my anger.
How do I control my anger and stop myself from saying horrible things?
BigNoseGirly0 said:How do I control my anger and stop myself from saying horrible things?
There are a load of simple techniques that may give short term relief but without addressing the underlying causes you will find these losing their ability over time.
From what you have posted here previously it seems probable to me that your core issue is low self esteem and this leads to most of the other issues you are experiencing, either directly or indirectly.
If you can work on this then you have a goof chance of being able to weaken the drive for your other behaviours.
Even if you can build self esteem around some areas of yourself then you still need to deal with the defence mechanisms of anger and lashing out. To deal with these as an autist I would recommend learning about mindfulness as it has a lot of tools to help you consider how you are feeling and decide if you want to let it spiral in the way it is now.
For the more urgent matter of self esteem, I would suggest finding something about yourself that you are good at or are proud of and focus on that.
What are your special interests for example - can these be shaped in a way to bring you some recognition?
Are you strong or fit - can you compete and become good at what you do?
Martial arts are a good way to build strenght, ability, control and self esteem - would you consider this?
Doing all of this without a therapist guiding you will be slow and difficult but of you are serious about it then you will find support and advice here.
Accepting yourself is a big part of this so whatever your situation you can work on it. If you are weak you can work on strengthening yourself. If you lack skills then you can get training to develop them. If you are not conventionally pretty then find people who appreciate your uniqueness and if you lack guidance then find someone who will show you the way.
You have taken the first step by asking for advice now evaluate it and decide if you want to take the next step.
Good luck in whatever you choose.