Published on 12, July, 2020
If I am going to learn how to manage my autism symptoms, then I've decided that I don't want to be in any neurotypical environment anymore - I find neurotypical environments to be too toxic. Watching my sisters and their friends have children of their own is an extremely sad reminder of my mental condition, and I feel that I am unable to be around my parents anymore let alone continue living with them because of the burden that comes with caring for someone with special needs. I am considering living in a suitable autism-friendly environment where I will be spending all day in sensory gardens as a means of permanent respite; focusing on having access to all types of sensory therapies is for the best. The plan for the near future is to start seeing a professional psychiatrist and start looking at being provided with holistic support from the special needs therapeutic educational charities and therapeutic intervention services that I am looking into at the moment. When I start being provided with a special needs mental health team, they need to treat me like an adult but at the same time be capable of cognitive empathy rather than have unrealistic expectations that I will only end up struggling to meet. I will continue self-injuring and hitting myself in the head in frustration, I will continue physically hurting myself and suffering from severe depression and having thoughts of suicide because of the torture that comes with being on the autism spectrum - I have no choice but to learn to live with these demons. People die by suicide every day. Society needs to stop looking at suicide as something considered taboo.
There's an awful lot in your proposed lifestyle that requires other people to play their part and be nice in order for you to stop hurting yourself...
This isn't a criticism per-se, but I am pointing out what I believe to be a serious impediment to your "route to happiness".
Furthermore: About twelve years ago I found myself in an odd situation of being asked to provide sancuary for a sixteen year old self harming girl who was a compete stranger to me. Social services were involved and supervising this poor abused girl who was clearly very unhappy and confused, and to my utter surprise they were only too happy to leave her living in some un-vetted 50 year old blokes flat entirlely unsupervised!! (At least they gave her two full bags of food and a pathway to some social beneits.
She took six months to recover enough of herself to stop with the self harming, and straighten up and fly right.
My point is that you may well NOT have to "live with demons".
I believe that the transformation I witnessed in the girl who stayed in my flat was effected by my giving her a psycho/spiritual physical sancturary. I gave her my room (it was clean, sparsely furnished, but most importantly for her piece of mind had a little lock on the inside.. I did the basic spirit work that most major religions use to purify an area (just to be safe) when she was out or asleep, and asked her periodically to "Give me a number" That being an indication of her personal happiness or misery with 1 being miserable and 5 being happy. Every time she gave me a number it made her evaluate her own happiness, and in time she made that number as high as 3! Then one day she told me that she was getting herself a flat... She walked out not slouching, with her arms actaully visible to the world, and into what is by all accounts quite a happy and successful life.
But SHE did it all, she learned to create her OWN sanctuary, physically by having her own area under her control, and taking frequent rests. Then she'd get up and decide how her day was going to go.
She effectively learned to build her own nice world, and of course, why did she then need to self harm? She was (I believe) acting under the effects of PTSD / ongoing stress due to different stressors than you report.
Demons are scary and oppressive, BUT CAN BE BEATEN. The only advice I can offer you (and I take it myself) is: turn your self harming and rage in the demons direction, rather than your own.
I hope this helps you find an easier and happier path than "relying on the kindness of strangers".
In my experince you are better off relying on the kindness and benevolence of the god who created us, but that's a whole different topic! Worth noting though, that the girl did (independently of my own faint faith) have a "come to Jesus moment" and joined a church and started practciing one of the many variants of Christianity, and that may well have helped her with her life, as my own non church and more disintermediated version seems to have helped me.
How ever you get there, it's YOUR life, and it's YOUR job to make it a good one!
I Sperg said:This isn't a criticism per-se, but I am pointing out what I believe to be a serious impediment to your "route to happiness".
I've learnt that happiness is not possible for someone like me. I see myself continuing to be unhappy and severely depressed, but I've decided to get help in learning how to live with my severe depression and bitterness. I also feel that I deserve to spend the rest of my life being bitter.