Published on 12, July, 2020
If I am going to learn how to manage my autism symptoms, then I've decided that I don't want to be in any neurotypical environment anymore - I find neurotypical environments to be too toxic. Watching my sisters and their friends have children of their own is an extremely sad reminder of my mental condition, and I feel that I am unable to be around my parents anymore let alone continue living with them because of the burden that comes with caring for someone with special needs. I am considering living in a suitable autism-friendly environment where I will be spending all day in sensory gardens as a means of permanent respite; focusing on having access to all types of sensory therapies is for the best. The plan for the near future is to start seeing a professional psychiatrist and start looking at being provided with holistic support from the special needs therapeutic educational charities and therapeutic intervention services that I am looking into at the moment. When I start being provided with a special needs mental health team, they need to treat me like an adult but at the same time be capable of cognitive empathy rather than have unrealistic expectations that I will only end up struggling to meet. I will continue self-injuring and hitting myself in the head in frustration, I will continue physically hurting myself and suffering from severe depression and having thoughts of suicide because of the torture that comes with being on the autism spectrum - I have no choice but to learn to live with these demons. People die by suicide every day. Society needs to stop looking at suicide as something considered taboo.
I'm trying to learn to live with mine too. I'm almost 50 and only recently got a confirmation that it's autism I've been battling with my whole life.
Every autistic person will have a slightly different experience of life and different circumstances, but one thing I feel is common is that we often feel tortured by our differences and find that most of those are only really understand very a problem in the "neuro typical" world.
One thing I find hard is to explain to neuro typical people how I feel and while I expect to be treated equally and fairly that seems to contradict me saying that I find certain situations impossibly hard so need people to make allowances.
I can understand you thinking that removing yourself from society and living somewhere specially suited will help, I imagine it will to some extent as you won't have these issues every day there. But, I guess it depends how much you want to fit in to society, are you sure you want to retreat totally? Is the desire to be part of it great enough?
I'm sure nobody sees you as a burden, that's something you're thinking yourself due to feeling low.
Maybe either way, taking time out in an autistic friendly environment will help, even if you just use it as somewhere to recharge your emotions and find your strength.
Good luck, it can all be ok and I'm sure it will, just keep your chin up and take care of yourself.