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I feel like I've become more autistic just in the last year

HMO
3 months ago

And I've been diagnosed for 18 years.

I didn't think I'd ever get to a stage where my younger brother coughing loudly, though he can't help it, would give me the urge to attack him, but that's where we are.

I'm sensitive to background noise anyway, but if I was annoyed with people playing TikTok on their phone while I'm watching TV four years ago, I dread to imagine what I'd do when that happens now.

For a number of reasons, I take on a state of paralysis almost when I'm angry. I don't want to distract myself, I just want to be angry. I think I like the adrenaline of it. 

I'm trying to uncover it during therapy. I know I express it inwardly, not outwardly. So much has happened in my life that I consider to be unfair, but I'm at that stage where I fabricate things (almost deliberately) to fuel that adrenaline.

For example, I will, while I'm in that angry state, interpret someone who I fell out with in the past as "wanting me off the face of the earth". Mind you, it doesn't help that I went through something where that exactly happened; for four days, the entire world wanted me out.

My cultural background almost doesn't bother to acknowledge the fact disabled people exist which doesn't help with relatives in their 50s who are woefully annoyed that I'm not normal. 

Parents
  • 3 months ago

    As a society we're not very good at allowing ourselves to be angry, whether that anger is justified or not. If you fell out with someone in the past and now you feel that they wanted you off the face of the planet, is that really a fabrication or is it you finally allowing yourself to feel what you felt then but couldn't allow yourself to feel?

    I think we do get less tolerant as we get older, it sounds like you desperately need your own space, where you are not going to get invaded by other peoples noises, even when they can't help it. I don't know your cultural background, but I do know some can be very aggressively normalising, really hassling you to fit in and being incredibly judgemental. Maybe you should book yourself a holiday on your own and just get some space from these people, even if it's only for a few days?

Reply
  • 3 months ago

    As a society we're not very good at allowing ourselves to be angry, whether that anger is justified or not. If you fell out with someone in the past and now you feel that they wanted you off the face of the planet, is that really a fabrication or is it you finally allowing yourself to feel what you felt then but couldn't allow yourself to feel?

    I think we do get less tolerant as we get older, it sounds like you desperately need your own space, where you are not going to get invaded by other peoples noises, even when they can't help it. I don't know your cultural background, but I do know some can be very aggressively normalising, really hassling you to fit in and being incredibly judgemental. Maybe you should book yourself a holiday on your own and just get some space from these people, even if it's only for a few days?

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