Published on 12, July, 2020
I run a weekly Pathfinder game. We have a fairly solid online group. Today's session, the party investigates an abandoned alchemical worskshop after strange gas leaks have triggered outbursts of aggression in the local populace. The party finds a rail track leading underground, to a greater alchemical workshop that is very much up and running, operated by ratfolk. The party confronts the ratfolk, demanding to speak to their leader. The ratfolk pretend to acquiesce, but the party realises they've been misled when a giant hulking brute of a ratfolk with a blade for an arm emerges from a passageway and charges at them. End of session.
Everyone had a good time. They're looking forward to a fun, challenging combat next week. Then one by one each of them leaves the call. Until I find myself here, alone, at 1am. The moment that last person left the call, all that good feeling vanished and I found myself stuck with a crushing loneliness. I don't like being alone. But I only like being around one person at a time really, and I can't just latch on to another person like a security blanket. It's not fair to them, and it's not good for me.
I'm in therapy. Session six is tomorrow. I'm hoping we're past the stage of the therapist learning about me, and we can finally start making some progress. But last week the thing she wanted me to focus on was thinking about how I could be more compassionate with myself. After a full week of thinking on it, I can't say I'm any closer to knowing how I could do that. I just... don't like being me.
Oran G. Utan said:Until I find myself here, alone, at 1am. The moment that last person left the call, all that good feeling vanished and I found myself stuck with a crushing loneliness.
As a former dungeon master I get that.
A well crafted game can bring a feeling of acomplishment (from having delivered a great experience to the players), a personal sense of enjoyment at the interaction between you and the players and lastly the adulation from the thanks of the happy participants.
This is a set of experiences which we don't get in our outside life and is something that is actually like the feeling rock stars get after a concert where they have thousands of fans expressing their adulation.
It is what drives so many of the rock stars to drugs to deal with the void following the massive highs of being on stage.
My advice would be to work on meditation as a way of finding a balance after you have packed up and returned home - grounding yourself and finding a sustainable sense of peace rather than the sucking void that is there before.
If you explain it to your therapist they may have other ideas but that worked for me for the 5 years I ran a games club in a bank head office.
Yeah if there was some way I could have the entire game prepared to the very end, I feel like I'd often want to run sessions over the listed time just to avoid that void that comes after. I've had counsellors try to teach me meditation before, but that's something I'm not able to do just yet. Something to work towards though, with my therapist.