A tale of two masks, of behaviour and of opposition, of capability and of motivation..

Throughout my life it has been obvious that I mask my autism to shield what I actually am to the neurotypical world. I proceduralise the way that observe appeases best, and I follow others as a means of acting out the items of right behaviour that I cannot observe, the fact that this is not manipulation in my eyes is that I neither acknowledge nor agree that it a gain from it. It drains me and it feels like I am using a tool that i do not know or feel the purpose of, like using a washing machine as a building block, i’m not as effective as others in my use of these tools. This is the mask.

My point in this instance is not of the mask but rather of ableism, despite my being able to acknowledge the mask, I still gaslight myself into having faith in the mask’s effectiveness. This is more than an object or a tool that I wield, despite understanding that the proverbial washing-machine isn’t supposed to be used that as a building-block, my procedural-following brain still is wired to run the old-routine or follow the common-sense when it becomes cognitively-spared. A mask over a mask perhaps, a lesser-stronger standard overlapping a greater-weaker standard, the majority is happy to allow me to mask when it is right that they should adjust for my poor executive-function. Before it becomes apparent to my peers that I should be adjusted-to, it is already too-late as I will be overloaded and beyond reasonable-reach, at that point a heroic-effort is required in opposition to my social-regression.

I have always had to expose myself to an item within my life as it occurs. Having been so used to living in a more-vulnerable state in recent years, I have only had opportunity to retire my mask as it relates to survival, but when my ambition comes within reach I find I use more-travelled behaviours and beliefs. Ableism I would never apply to another, but I levy it against myself most-cruelly, often to the approval or acceptance of my neurotypical peers. Not only do I mask by behaviour, I mask by belief, even when I acknowledge thats its misinformed it still ends-up leaving me feeling either-way about recovering the more-reasonable logic. I automatically shield what I am from myself by faith.