Published on 12, July, 2020
I've started to recognise I write too much. I don't think I always do this. I've been in situation I feel really stuck in. It all keeps repeating, days where I feel I've been understood just for everything to happen again the next day.
Although I have been around certain types of behaviour my entire life, it doesn't mean I can recognise others more manipulative behaviour. My subconscious, my instincts, that gut feeling, is telling me that the person in my life knows exactly what they are doing. How they know I'll react a certain way when they say a particular sentence is a passive aggressive way. For example, "don't talk to me like that". There's a little more that gets said but it's how it's not when I'm actually in a really moody state.. I'd get it if I was actually being mean, but its always and I mean always whenever I'm struggling with my anxiety and overwhelmed feelings.
I really struggle to eat when things feel chaotic. It took me all day to feel like I may have been able too. I decided to have something really plain and easy, cheesy toast and 2 toasted waffles. My toast went wrong, the setting was turned up really high. Then 1 waffle came out with loads of black stuff on. There also wasn't enough cheese. All of this happened really quickly and I just felt really bad, I started thinking ok I don't know if I can eat... he offered me a waffle he was cooking and I said no, I didn't say no thank you, and I'm wondering if that's why he snapped?? I'm just really confused why this only happens at certain times, my brain is telling me that it's because he knows exactly what he's doing. He knows I struggle with food, so to cause a problem from nothing at that particular time, how can it not be on purpose?
I didn't have the best upbringing and although I've been around a lot of lies and manipulation, I still really struggle to see it properly. Could anybody help me to see in the future if I'm perhaps being manipulated or I don't know, do people simply just clash this bad even when there's communication?
My head hurts :(
Thank you from the bottom of my heart from writing your repsonse the way you did. And thank you for recognising I may not be looking at this from all perspectives and writing it in such a way because truthly I did not even think about it like that.
I've started to realise that I used to be very self aware, but that was a different time, a different situation, a different level of stress, all sorts. We have had tension and conflict for quote some time and my head starts to not understand simple conflict and heightened emotions because overall Im confused. There have been many times I've tried to communicate to make things better and I make things much worse. And this will most likely be because I am I fact not as well aware as I once was.
I know this may sound like an excuse, but we technically sepersted months ago, but he hadn't found anywhere else to move yet, months were going by and I've felt my routines and habits apl become one massive mess and unfortunately I do end up living in this constant state of flight or fight. But you're right, do I start recognising my behaviours are not pleasant and make some changes or do I expect people to just deal with me? Because I do not want that at all. I need to reestablish my sense of calm again and hopefully one day him and I can sit down and communicate properly.
Sorry for my ramble, I really appreciate your response, thank you
Jojoba98 said:he offered me a waffle he was cooking and I said no, I didn't say no thank you, and I'm wondering if that's why he snapped?? I'm just really confused why this only happens at certain times
I think it is probably because when you start to get stressed in these situations then you give off a lot more than just the words you say (which were impolite anyway) - there is a lot of body language that you are probably unaware of and your partner (assuming he is neurotypical) will pick up on this and by the time you are impolite he has already had a load of other input from you, so it becomes the straw that breaks the camels back.
Jojoba98 said: He knows I struggle with food, so to cause a problem from nothing at that particular time, how can it not be on purpose?
Think about this for a moment. Why is it his responsbility to not take offence when that is perfectly natural for him as a neurotypical. Why does he always have to accept bad behaviour (even if unintentional) from you? Why are you not working on improving how you respond to these situations?
Talking a step back here - this is not to say you are the monster here. I wanted to help you see it from both sides of the situation so you can decide if you continue to let your autism dictate your responses or if your partner has to accept your behaviour.
From my experience, repeated behaviour like this ends up as a major contributing factor to the failure of the relationship so I would advise finding ways to deal with what you know is a triggering situation for you. You know it is a risk so make an effort to pre-empt the likely issues.
For example.
Check you have all the ingredients you need before you start to cook. Is there enough of each? Are the pots / plates etc clean enough to use? Are the heat settings correct.
Layout all the things you need - make like a mini battle plan for it in your head, take a deep breath and start cooking.
Maybe take turns cooking so you don't get in each others way if this is an issue. Agree menus in advance so you know to check if there are enough ingredients the day before to let you buy more.
By creating a little more structure around this you take away its potential to trigger you and it becomes - hopefully - a more pleasant experience for you and hence for him too.
This is only food for thought (excuse the pun) but I hope it gives some ideas on how to make it less of a pain for you.