Published on 12, July, 2020
I went through a traumatic event last year which I'm still recovering from.
Since the beginning of this year, I have only spoken to my therapist. She is the only person I feel comfortable talking to about everything. I feel safe, comfortable, and as though she tries to understand. I ambiguously talk about it in places like this too.
For most of last year, I spoke to two acquaintances I knew from work about it. At the time, I welcomed having people who wanted to speak to me. However, I struggled to convey what I was feeling to them. I tried my best, but I was met with "you need to forget about it, move on" but I couldn't explain why it wasn't that simple.
It all caught up with me and I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to try and explain things to people who I didn't feel would understand, so I've avoided it completely. It's the same story with my immediate family; I had the "just forget about it" from my dad as recently as a week ago.
I did explain to one acquaintance where my head was at and they understood, and didn't pressure me to respond. I'm not easy to reach anyway - only about 4 people have my phone number, I'm on no social media either.
It's a weird one. On the one hand, I prefer keeping my distance while I sort my head out. However, re-entering society (or the thought of it) is feeling like a dead end prospect. I have basically latched onto my therapist, purely off the back of the fact she's supported me, not slammed the door in my face and tried to understand - the only person to have done. It means I've ended up falling in love with her. Well, a version of her that's emotionally available anyway - it's called transference in the therapy sphere.
I don't know if this is a unique thing to me. I imagine in most cases, you've got people who are there waiting for you when you're better. It's not really the case here for various reasons.
I'm not after advice, but I'm not necessarily venting either. I'm hoping I'm not on my own.
I, too, have stood frozen by the front door, intending to go forth.Terrified to go out. Curious, terrified, excited, eager, timid. All of it buried under a deep sense of alienation from that world out there, feeling so different from it, so broken.
After a trauma, which is such an intimate and singular event and one that is near impossible to relate to others, It's so hard to see these others, who have not experienced it and who are, seemingly, going about as if everything is just daisies. It's even more isolating through the prism of post trauma life. Trauma is something everyone faces at one point or another.
What ever happened for you, no matter how heinous, you may want to find a way to pretend to feel happy. I know that sounds disingenuous, but it is a valid way to practice felling good while you wait to truly feel good. Feel what it feels like to feel happy, as it were. A distraction from the rut you find yourself in. Feeling good is up to you. No one else can feel good for you.
You can do this practicing focusing on all the joyful, lovely, small things that ARE present in your life, the smell of cinnamon toast, the feel of the cat's purr under your hand, a dog's unbending love, spangled water on a lake, when the clock says 3:33, the way fabric sounds or feels. Anything, grab it and milk it. focus there as long as you can and soon it will not be pretend anymore.
It's difficult because the traumatic event in question was something that I caused. Well, it was my actions that lead to it. Every time I think I'll be able to move forward, I get a flashback, and I want to punish myself until I die. It's difficult to really explain why I feel that way to someone.
I feel like a bad person, which is largely why I've chosen to isolate myself. I don't want to be a burden or to intrude into people's lives.
No matter the origin, it is still a trauma, and therefore you can apply the same principles. Ask your self if punishing your self will change anything in the past. The past is etched in memory as an event already.
It cannot.
But if, going forward, there were good works, feelings and relations that you can add to your life's experience, by effort, they could mitigate the "bad" thing done and create more positive outcomes for yourself and for others. Those good works etc would be handy to start now!
Guilt is meant to help us grow past guilt into better versions of ourselves. not be define us for all eternity.
One is meant to walk through guilt as a process, On the other side of guilt is growth and inspiration to better ourselves.
You can allow your self to evolve past it. we are all evolving, all the time. You are worthy. We are all worthy.
well a few hours is good. It is not forgetting it is forgiving not forgetting. Keep trying and you will breakthrough to a new understanding of the dynamics of intent, creating new, more joyous memories to add to the soup. If you stay in despair and offer only despair you are just repeating the same negative energy over and over.
Also, you can try..
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/16/a-psychedelic-retreat-proves-a-healing-trip