Published on 12, July, 2020
I went through a traumatic event last year which I'm still recovering from.
Since the beginning of this year, I have only spoken to my therapist. She is the only person I feel comfortable talking to about everything. I feel safe, comfortable, and as though she tries to understand. I ambiguously talk about it in places like this too.
For most of last year, I spoke to two acquaintances I knew from work about it. At the time, I welcomed having people who wanted to speak to me. However, I struggled to convey what I was feeling to them. I tried my best, but I was met with "you need to forget about it, move on" but I couldn't explain why it wasn't that simple.
It all caught up with me and I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to try and explain things to people who I didn't feel would understand, so I've avoided it completely. It's the same story with my immediate family; I had the "just forget about it" from my dad as recently as a week ago.
I did explain to one acquaintance where my head was at and they understood, and didn't pressure me to respond. I'm not easy to reach anyway - only about 4 people have my phone number, I'm on no social media either.
It's a weird one. On the one hand, I prefer keeping my distance while I sort my head out. However, re-entering society (or the thought of it) is feeling like a dead end prospect. I have basically latched onto my therapist, purely off the back of the fact she's supported me, not slammed the door in my face and tried to understand - the only person to have done. It means I've ended up falling in love with her. Well, a version of her that's emotionally available anyway - it's called transference in the therapy sphere.
I don't know if this is a unique thing to me. I imagine in most cases, you've got people who are there waiting for you when you're better. It's not really the case here for various reasons.
I'm not after advice, but I'm not necessarily venting either. I'm hoping I'm not on my own.
I know you're not alone in having these experiences. There are many YouTube videos where therapists talk about these issues.
One big difference with my own experience though is that I was terribly aware that my relationship with my therapist was a transactional financial one, not any kind of real friendship. She was never anything other than lovely to me, but the way I'm wired I could never see that as anything other than her doing what she was paid to do.
I hope you find a way to recover from your trauma and move on, however long that takes.
Thank you. Yeah, even if I hammer home the point that my therapist will never be anything other than that, I still found myself feeling a certain way towards her, but it's exacerbated by the fact she feels a friend and a partner type all in one - I have neither in real life.
HMO said:exacerbated by the fact she feels a friend and a partner type all in one - I have neither in real life
Me neither, I really do understand the confused feelings.
She did reassure me that there are other people like her.
My worry is that I'm now going to have too high expectations, like I'll expect things to be perfect and for people to be clear and upfront with me. You'd think that's standard but I feel like I'm being difficult.