Published on 12, July, 2020
My son left uni with a masters in physics but can’t get a job. His dad died during his time there so I am the only parent and he lives at home with me and his 22 yr old brother. He stays in his room all day with the curtains shut . He accepts he is different but doesn’t not want to be diagnosed , he refuses to accept interventions to help his mental health. He went to see a therapist who specialises in working with clients with autism. He refused to go back despite her identifying areas to help him. He gets so angry so quickly, my youngest son wanted to move out because he can’t live with the fear of his anger! If I approach him about anything he gets upset and angry . I want to help him , not alienate him. It’s been over 6 months since I have tried to get him to help himself and now I need to try again but don’t know what to do? What area to discuss first ?
He is not independent, he refuses to be diagnosed which means he cannot get any accommodations for social or financial support, and he is unemployed with has no motivatation to find work, and he is a nightmare to be around because of his anger. You got him a therapist, but he doesn't want help.
He seems to be alienating himself, with windows drawn, and isolating himself. You are reaching out to him, but he refuses your help, yet you probably need help yourself! You don't have your husband there anymore, you're probably paying for everything yourself, and trying to encourage your son to do something with his life.
Tell him that you need help. It's either he gets diagnosed so that he can get some financial and social support, so that he can do something with his life, or he can try to do everything on his own without any help, and go out there to find a job. But he cannot keep staying in his room and isolating himself. You need solutions, not more problems to take care of. And if he wants to angry, then he can pack up his bags and go, or he can stay and have a roof over his head and food to eat, but he has to try and do something with his life.
I agree, it is certainly a 'tough love' situation. Being 'kind' in the short term will not help your son in the long term. A 'label' is only a label when you tell people about it and no autistic person with a diagnosis has to disclose it to anyone they do not want to,
Thank you so much for these replies I really appreciate these summaries of this situation. I desperately want to be kind and supportive but I am questioning myself am I helping by doing nothing. So difficult to have conviction in taking a hard line! The reason I am thinking about the value of seeking a diagnosis is for the possibility of consideration by possible employers should he get interviews. Is this right do you know?
Employers are legally obliged to offer 'reasonable accommodations' to disabled employees, this includes autistic people. Whether disclosing one's disabled status before interview, or after receiving a job offer, is best, is debatable. Interviews are very, very stressful for autistic people and good employers should make accommodations available at this stage, but in the real world employers seldom do. I have been on interview panels, to cover the technical side for biotechnology research roles, and, as an autistic man, found it only slightly less stressful than being an interviewee.
You must be strong Millitant and tough in this situation - your son needs milltary style discipline in this situation to force him to accept reality and it would also be a good idea to involve the police as well, for his own good - you must have the conviction to take a hard line - being loving also involves being tough and harsh when needed