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bitter after diagnosis

corvus

have no idea why, but this got flagged as spam so i'm retyping it.

i'm corvus - i'm 18, and i was diagnosed as autistic a week ago.
i've known i was autistic since i was around 14 years old, but my road to being assessed was blocked numerous times by my highschool, and my parent.

when i was told by the psychiatrist who had been interviewing me that he was going to diagnose me; i was relieved, at first. finally, i felt heard for the first time in my life. i wasn't faking this - i am autistic, despite the people around me denying so.

however, this conclusion has made me begin to reflect - and this reflection has brought back some very unpleasant memories and feelings, amplified with the knowledge i am autistic.
the way my parent, my past teachers, and even cahms had acted towards me...of course, even before this week i knew what i had went through was horrible, but now it's in an even worse light in my mind. i was never taken seriously, despite my very obvious distress and struggling everyday, which turned into severe mental health issues. i felt like i was a burden to everybody, and now i know that it wasn't even my fault. my school never had the ability to accommodate an autistic person, that was the truth.

and with that, comes intense bitterness over what i had went through. i often feel like i mourn the person i could've been if i wasn't treated like this; who i could've been if i was given the proper support i needed back then.

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  • Hi Corvus, it's nice to meet you. :-)

    I can related to how you are feeling, I am 24 and was only diagnosed 3 years ago, despite struggling growing up, suffering bullying, loneliness, and surviving through university. 

    After getting diagnosed I was relieved, but then angry, confused, and started to grieve my childhood and everything I missed out on. This included not getting support that would of helped me, being left out, not having friends, saying no to things even though I desperately wanted to say yes (social events, work opportunities, learning to drive, holidays, school trips) all because I just needed that extra help. 

    You are in a different situation to me, diagnosed a lot younger, and I'm not sure it's fair for me to offer advice when we all have different experiences. What I will say is don't put pressure on yourself - it's ok to feel this way, and you 100% have very right to feel bitter and mourn everything growing up. 

    That said, I would find out what support you are entitled to and make use of it if you think it will help you. If people aren't supportive (parent) then stand your ground if you are comfortable to do so. Only you know how you feel, how your brain works, what support you need, and what you want, no one else. 

    Take some time to grieve, heck, I still do.

    This community seems a great place to talk with others so I know lots of people here would be happy to talk/listen to you. 

    Always here to chat if you need someone to rant, talk, listen.... :-) 

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  • Hi Corvus, it's nice to meet you. :-)

    I can related to how you are feeling, I am 24 and was only diagnosed 3 years ago, despite struggling growing up, suffering bullying, loneliness, and surviving through university. 

    After getting diagnosed I was relieved, but then angry, confused, and started to grieve my childhood and everything I missed out on. This included not getting support that would of helped me, being left out, not having friends, saying no to things even though I desperately wanted to say yes (social events, work opportunities, learning to drive, holidays, school trips) all because I just needed that extra help. 

    You are in a different situation to me, diagnosed a lot younger, and I'm not sure it's fair for me to offer advice when we all have different experiences. What I will say is don't put pressure on yourself - it's ok to feel this way, and you 100% have very right to feel bitter and mourn everything growing up. 

    That said, I would find out what support you are entitled to and make use of it if you think it will help you. If people aren't supportive (parent) then stand your ground if you are comfortable to do so. Only you know how you feel, how your brain works, what support you need, and what you want, no one else. 

    Take some time to grieve, heck, I still do.

    This community seems a great place to talk with others so I know lots of people here would be happy to talk/listen to you. 

    Always here to chat if you need someone to rant, talk, listen.... :-) 

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