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I'm unsure if this is abuse, I think it is but I need some support

Unseen_bean

I think it's abuse but im unsure. Need help

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years. I have started to feel confused and exhausted as every fight we have results in them threatening to leave the relationship. In the past they used to get extremely emotional and start hitting themselves during fights, but this stopped about 3 years ago. They were diagnosed bpd 3 years ago and I am autistic.

The relationship used to be very turbulent but it has calmed down in recent years. We are both in regular therapy.

When ever I talk about my feelings it becomes about their feelings. Things often don't get resolved and my needs go unmet. Intimacy seems to come and go and I'm always feeling like I get breadcrumbs.

I am often shamed for how I spend my money even though they always tell me its my money and I can do what I want. The shame often comes later at odd times during conversatios. They do not disclose how they spend there money and it often feels like one rule for them and another for me.

I feel trapped and can't afford to leave the relationship. We have joint debt which I am blamed for. They own the majority of assets in the house so if we were to split and sell I would be left with nothing.

Our last fight got heated and they got out their phone and recorded the conversation. They have never done this before. It took me until afterwards to realise it made me feel uncomfortable and i felt intimidated. (My autistic delayed processing). They again threatened to end the relationship. I'd had enough so I said I needed space. I later felt so anxious and scared that I decided to leave. I have since said that I will no longer talk about our relationship without a therapist present as our fights go round in circles, they always change the point i was making and when I repeat back what they said as a way of understanding they tell me they didn't say that.

I feel very isolated. All our local friends are mutual. I havnt talked to my family for over a year and feel like I dont really have anyone. I reached out to my sister who was happy to hear from me and said she has been worried. I'm with family now.

I'm not sure what to do. I think i want to leave the relationship but i have no idea how because im in so much debt and i face loosing everything i have. If anyone has give any advice I'd be so grateful. Thank you

Parents

  • I remember someone once saying "it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel like you are". I had been in a relationship with someone who was also incredibly selfish. We were also in a great deal of debt. But debt is something I can do something about. 

    I also recall legal advice that can be well applied in relationships: Never make an ultimatum you're not prepared to follow through with. 

    The stress of situations like this can be hard on us physically. The question you might want to ask is what would your life look like 10 years from now if you stayed? and if you left? Because Time and Health are not very renewable.

    You could have compatibility issues. Differences in what you value. I can tell you this, anyone who uses matters of the human heart as a weapon, I have a rather easy time walking away from - parent, friend, companion. Basic human fears (threats of isolation/rejection "no one else would want you"- are off the table). I grew up with very little, though, so while poverty is horrible, it's not the end. I had to make a decision at some point if I wanted to be trapped and ground down to something of little substance or find a way to thrive - not just survive.

    Whether or not you leave for good is up to you, but this does sound like no one is relating-with here and everyone could use some time apart to collect themselves and breathe. x

Reply

  • I remember someone once saying "it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel like you are". I had been in a relationship with someone who was also incredibly selfish. We were also in a great deal of debt. But debt is something I can do something about. 

    I also recall legal advice that can be well applied in relationships: Never make an ultimatum you're not prepared to follow through with. 

    The stress of situations like this can be hard on us physically. The question you might want to ask is what would your life look like 10 years from now if you stayed? and if you left? Because Time and Health are not very renewable.

    You could have compatibility issues. Differences in what you value. I can tell you this, anyone who uses matters of the human heart as a weapon, I have a rather easy time walking away from - parent, friend, companion. Basic human fears (threats of isolation/rejection "no one else would want you"- are off the table). I grew up with very little, though, so while poverty is horrible, it's not the end. I had to make a decision at some point if I wanted to be trapped and ground down to something of little substance or find a way to thrive - not just survive.

    Whether or not you leave for good is up to you, but this does sound like no one is relating-with here and everyone could use some time apart to collect themselves and breathe. x

Children