Okay so this is a long one. (like its near 2000 words, i checked)
I'm at university studying theatre and i'm on my 2nd year. We have an insta group chat and its been active over that time. When i'm late, i tend to what people say is overshare. I'm honest if i'm ill (never say anything gross or anything just stuff like, been crying a lot or ive been nauseus). I do this for many reasons, part of my side of autism is that i am an oversharer and struggle not doing so. Then theres because i often feel guilty missing classes or not applying myself good enough on some days and i know a lot of people lie to get out of class so i tell it straight up so they know im not lying. Then theres sometimes i am fishing. i want people to ask if im okay (they never do). And finally because if i share, maybes others will feel comfortable to share too. I mean we have a couple students who don't feel comfortable using the chat at all and its meant we have no idea when they'll be in class or not.
Last week I found out it made people uncomfortable as "people didnt know how to respond.". A rep for the class told us as a group. They said we needed to keep the chat "professional" and that yes we are students but we are also colleagues. We are theatre students. I kinda broke down over that weekend. I felt like i had made so much progress socially and i had no idea i was making people uncomfortable. I felt low. I also struggled with the concept of being professional.
Then it kinda got worse.
I skipped mondays lecture for a mental health day and on the friday i came in late after a public transport nightmare. I couldn't stop pacing from the moment i entered the theatre. I sat down trying to hear the teacher but sound tech were doing their thing and basaccly, i was getting overwhelmed. I told the teach, i half ran to the green room (we don't have a sensory room on campus). I came out when i felt i couldn't miss anymore class as we were devising and putting together a show that will be performed just before christmas this year.
Ideas were flying around and i found out that 2/3 of the class had access to a storyboard for a week earlier and were able to supply more detailed ideas that i simply couldnt compete with because I had only a couple minutes of reading and self reflection time before i had to announce my ideas to the group. I felt frustrated and i started apologising that my ideas weren't as filled in like everyone elses. Everytime i suggested an idea like about the childhood segment including like the kid trying on trousers for the first time (its about claude cahun and marcel moore) but they just kept shooting me down with we need to focus on their relationship. I hadn't even been able to read that far in the document yet. and because no one wanted to wait any longer before getting things staged, it meant that those with the more fleshed out ideas got chosen. okay fair. i get it. i was frustrated and stressed but i can work with that.
we started thinking about the trial and i said can we have 5mins on our own to brainstorm before we came back together. They agreed, i started writing and then they continued to share ideas before i had time to draw mine out. One said an idea i had and i showed it to the group to help him explain the idea as he was struggling to put it into words but i had already drawn the image. We all liked that idea. Great. I let him have that one as he got it out before i could so fair. Then I had an idea and kinda did a thing where i work 100miles an hour. About how to represent how if the death sentence had been carried out the public would have considered the two martyrs, so the sentence was reduced. I went metaphorical as i have dance and circus background and had the public rush the stage and try to pull the jury away as the jury slowly walks towards the two, trying to crush them with every word. The group said it was not based on reality and needed to be more real. so i tried again, though i actually cant remember my next suggestion. Then people decided to go on break. I stayed and worked, trying to get my idea as subtle and likeable as possible after hearing all their feedback.
New idea, jury is still approaching the couple with the sentence of death hanging above their heads. Their of 4 seats, just infront of the audience (transition ideas welcome), where those playing the public would sit watching the trial. As the sentence is read out, the couple hold hands (sappy i know but thats the stuff the group likes) and the public stand. They only stand, no emotion. The audience cannot see their faces. The jury sees the public rise and then the jury read out the neew reduced sentence out of fear of what the public might do.
I suggest the idea excitedly when the group comes back in. I raise my arms, wiggling them saying "ive fixed it, ive fixed it!".
Now this is where I don't know if my brain made this up or if it happened like this because i saw what i saw, felt how i felt but everyone denies it happened this way and they are really angry with me.
It took a while to get their attention. I was being as loud as i could be whilst being polite because i hate confrontation. I was moving my arms and presenting my notebook whilst standing centre stage. Honestly theatre brings me so much joy. Some would tune in then tune out again and i was repeating the first words over and over to new people who were tuning in and out. Then the guy who we shared the idea with chipped in and said to them "can we all hear out her idea please". I started again, they were listening but i was losing them. So he basacly repeated what i said in his own way and suddenly everyone went from completely disengaged to excited. He passed it back to me so i could try staging it. No one wanted to stand in. It wasn't complicated. i'm not even sure if we filled those 4 seats (where all they have to do is stand when the couple hold hands). Then they started hitting me a load of questions. I was honest, were the voices prerecorded or said on stage? "I hadn't thought about that, what do you think?". I smiled because i was excited to hear how they would change the scene. But instead of trying anything to change the scene to better fit everyones ideas, because i couldn't answer those questions, they moved on to the next idea. I did feel kinda shunned and stuff. but i got myself ready to be a body in the next idea. i smiled and listened. I love hearing when people get inspired. What was different this time was, everyone was excited to try this new idea. one person volunteered to experiment with the lights, another decided to go get some script off line and then characters were explored. I felt like i was insignificant. I sat there on the floor and i got depressed. I was watching this scene and i couldn't figure out what had just happened. i was confused and hurt. I realised that i've always felt like its a fight for people to hear my idea and that the only time people try my ideas is when someone else chips in to help me. It didn't really matter to me if my ideas were included or not, it was just, i always have to fight to get them heard and peoples reactions to hearing me always seems to be negative.
so i started talking to everyone about it. i tried explaining from the beginning that it felt like people weren't listening to me and when they said that wasn't true, i continued with examples but then they got really angry with me and i still feel sick. I have trauma with yelling and confrontation. its sunday and im still shaking. They basaclly said that i was twisting things and it was bull. The teach walked in and asked what was going on. I tried to explain but they yelled at me more because explanation was incorrect. I went with the teacher and cried a lot, explaining my side of everything. She said that i need to access the unis therapy system. i agreed.
It gets worse.
That evening i messaged the one that was the most angry with me and was the rep that said that people felt uncomfortable with me oversharing and i thought, its stupid i know now but i thought if i laid everything on the table, we could have a fresh start. I said, that i didn't feel i couldnt talk to her because she came across as cold to me. I said maybes she just empathises differently to everyone else and thats why i cant read her because i know im the only one that feels this way. I was hoping that we could learn how eachother worked. She got even more angry with me which i understand now and said that she will only talk to me with a lecturer present and that everyone was feeling mad and confused with how ive been acting and saying. She has arranged for her and the other rep to meet with the head of the arts to discuss the incident. I don't know whats going to happen. I can't stop shaking. My anxiety is so high that the world keeps going blurry and i feel like im going to pass out but i dont. My anxiety says "i've effed up and now everyone hates me, im going to get kicked out of uni and there's no way of fixing it.". What do i do? I feel so lost. I keep breaking down in tears and i feel like ive got no future when i cant communicate properly.
I feel so lonely. I live alone. I never get invited places and everyone on my course hates me. I don't know what to do.