Pardon me for not making this word fully visible. I don't want it seen even here, even for illustration.
Basically, this word, normally spelt with "a" and "s" that I had to hide with asterisks, is one of the "neutral" words in life that not most of the world sees it to be a problem, but "only I" do, because of my broken mind. Although the word probably isn't used a lot of the time during normal talks and information, it still does upset me even rarely, every time I come across it and not being suspicious/mindful of it possibly appearing, depending on such a thing in life that is considered...you know, well-recognised.
But still, since this "antagonistic" word began upsetting me from about 2014, there is not much I can do to try and see it as "normal", like everyone else does. If I had to be realistic here... Really, everything about this word frustrates me to the extreme, all at the same time, the way it looks, sounds, means AND used especially for some of the things in life that I otherwise enjoy as favourites. When it does get to me, not only it jolts me in upset, but also takes away my interests and enjoyment on especially the best things, which again are favourites I enjoy. It's like it makes me think, "Why? Why am I not allowed to have my favourites anymore, because of them being ruined by the saying of this word? Am I not good enough or something?"
Same goes for MANY other neutral words in life (such as "pow*rf*l", with "e" and "u") that bring me down as well, not just this one, and therefore can tempt me to feel "unworthy" for strange, yet demonic, reasons. I just don't get it at all. I know it isn't a problem in reality, but only my mind sees it to be. It's not like I go out into some street filled with horrible gang of bullies, ready to beat me up. But, let alone physical problems, my problems are ALWAYS mental ones, because I do not experience much of the physical side of issues. Being tortured mentally by seeing these such words and things just also feels like being beaten up by bullies in a street as well, think of it that way. Or feels like someone slaps me in the face without any told reasoning why, when just doing things innocently like reading.
Also, sorry to mention this in answer...but because of this word "f*mou*", along with other related words like "well-known" and "pop*l*r" ("u" and "a"), upsetting me, it even makes me feel "jealous" because "I" am "not" a well-recognised person at all, not even being get to called "somewhat f*mou*" either. Yes I know that there's downsides to being well-known, like people not leaving you alone, but I'm not talking about being out and about, rather. It's for internet purposes only - for months on end in a few years so far, I submitted my own pic works that I commissioned other artists to draw for me, which, of course does make me feel a little happier with their designs I requested, does NOT however make me feel relieved when not many people choose to fave, comment and view those pics of mine on equal level to other artists' crafted pictures. Like I think, what is it with other peoples' thoughts about me and my ideas? Do they think I'm just being weird or stupid, rather than honest and unique? Ridiculous! -_-
I don't also like people who say this word "f*mou*", too. Because it just makes me "dislike" them even right away, like that one guy on Discord, by the name of davo, accidentally and stupidly said it into my face without warning in a "normal" first-time talk, just because I was "initially" thinking he could be a nice person, but I got fooled and upset so unluckily, and that STILL resides in me even now after it happened long ago in 2021. Heck, he did not apologise to me for that at all, yet I KNOW that's not what people do for something "neutral" said, so what?
Please be careful (again) if you have something to say for me here. My sensitivities are real, and I do not like to be insulted. Also be careful about this "f*mou*" word - when choosing to talk about it, either censor it like I did here, or not even mention that word at all. One more thing - don't try to make me feel, "You have to work and earn the right to be called and considered well-known" and similar advice, because it does NOT help with my emotions. Maybe it would be OK if you were to say for me, "Don't worry, you're not alone on this issue. There are other individuals that feel it the same, too. But just believe in your own instincts, and hope that in the future, things will improve for you, and someone may get to call you well-known by chance, too."
...Yeah I know, do I sound weird again or what? I still mean it as a serious problem of mine like other mental problems, and would want comfort and sympathy to help me with my feelings, especially right after the moments something has got to me in upset and disappointment. My mum always understands about me and my heavy mentality. Don't take it as an offence or a joke, please. I have the right to share problems and let my own feelings out, thank you. I HATE that cruel word "f*mou*", full stop.
