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Don't even realise

Castle

So I've been married for close to nine years but my wife is constantly telling me to stop shouting even though in my head I'm not shouting.  I have a shouting level which I have only ever really used when I've really had to, but it's starting to frustrate me as how am I ment to communicate? Do I have to whisper? I talk the same level as when I'm at work so I'm thinking do people think I shout at work?

Also she says I snap a lot when she's asks me to do stuff even though I don't realise I have done and that if I have given a reply to her in maybe a not so nice way it starts off an argument.  For example this morning I was driving her to work because she missed the bus and she was asking her friend on the phone which stop the bus stops at and whether it drives past a certain shop etc and I said "you should know if it does or not, as you get the bus everyday" apparently I'd shouted so she told me off and I didn't even realise I had shouted.

I was basically wondering if there is any help on maybe better controlling how I speak to her and maybe learn how to talk lower or stop shouting as she says?  Also does anyone else with ASD get told about this? 

She always says to me I'm nice to other people so she knows I can control how I speak. Really confused on this matter any help would be greatly appreciated.

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  • Castle said:
    Also does anyone else with ASD get told about this? 

    Yes - on both the points you have raised above = "shouting" and "snapping" / "being blunt" / "appearing angry and overly intense," when I do not feel any of those things.

    Castle said:
    wondering if there is any help on maybe better controlling how I speak

    Yes - I have found that taking a micro-pause, before opening my mouth, enables me to be more concious of how the noise comes out of my mouth and how my corresponding body-language integrates with that noise.  Unfortunately, if my pause is a fraction of a micro-second too long, then people think that I am either a) patronising them or b) getting really pi ssed off. 

    Basically, this concious micro-pausing is a form of masking.......but where that ends and my true essence begins = impossible to determine after 50+ years of just being me !

    In summary - I would advocate NOT becoming annoyed or frustrated with your wife.  She is probably correct in her perceptions of you and is one of the few people who can be bothered to tell you ?!  Thank her every time for alerting you to the "thing" and do your best to moderate your output for the sake of enjoying marital calm.

    Just my opinion obviously - and I wish you well Castle.

    Regards

    Number.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Very much appreciated.  I shall take this on board and try my hardest to implement this technique.  Micro pause before speaking when I'm either wound up about something or don't get that the other person doesn't see it from my point of view.

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