However keen and approachable anybody may be towards wanting to be my friend, I always secretly reject their leaning because I prefer to have zero risk of committing any errors where possible. I cannot handle the 'feeling bad' that comes with not talking to people for ages who I should have. It isn't so much that I reject, rather I manipulate conversation and relationships with people I end up being close to through work, to avoid people getting too close to me. Deflection tactics, or something like that.
I joke at work because it gives me bad vibes when people are overly caring and go all serious, so I joke to try and make it seem as if I am happy. I'm most at ease when talking with people in a style that isn't charged with emotion, or if there is some emotion it is about something external rather than internal. From the perspective of people who orbit me in life, I think I'm like a door that opens to reveal a brick wall (i.e. there's extra resistance where it was expected to be there). Some of the best connections I have with people are at work (I have nobody but my partner's friends outside work and I never approach them unless I extremely need to, eg. emergency).
When I leave the company I am working for, I know that my teammates will disappear from my life, just like happened when I left my last job, and the job before that, and university, and college. It sounds like I do it to myself, but people have become something in my life just to perform around in the hope that my mind doesn't create any lasting recollections of having made a fool of myself, according to my warped judgement of what it means to err in front of that given person. Work is a safe space in a way as my interaction with people is warranted by job responsibilities. In that sense, work is a cure for my loneliness, since in my spare time I am truly lonely as I do not allow myself to reach out to anybody.
Not just because of the company, but also because the work keeps me occupied, I feel really sad in the run-up to logging off on a friday. I really struggle on weekends, unless I find something to do, which takes some effort of motivation, energy and imagination.
I know it's sad, but I just wanted to post this because I wanted to see if anybody was in a similar situation of feeling estranged from the world of friends that a lot of people believe in without question, and whether there is anyone who struggles with the weekend, which to most people is always a two-day gift. Sometimes it's a gift to me, but if I can't think of what to do on a weekend then the boredom can be a fiend.
PS. If I don't reply, sorry about that. I don't like the idea of me being out there, being noticed by people.
