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Having friends

NAS81850

However keen and approachable anybody may be towards wanting to be my friend, I always secretly reject their leaning because I prefer to have zero risk of committing any errors where possible. I cannot handle the 'feeling bad' that comes with not talking to people for ages who I should have. It isn't so much that I reject, rather I manipulate conversation and relationships with people I end up being close to through work, to avoid people getting too close to me. Deflection tactics, or something like that. 

I joke at work because it gives me bad vibes when people are overly caring and go all serious, so I joke to try and make it seem as if I am happy. I'm most at ease when talking with people in a style that isn't charged with emotion, or if there is some emotion it is about something external rather than internal. From the perspective of people who orbit me in life, I think I'm like a door that opens to reveal a brick wall (i.e. there's extra resistance where it was expected to be there). Some of the best connections I have with people are at work (I have nobody but my partner's friends outside work and I never approach them unless I extremely need to, eg. emergency).

When I leave the company I am working for, I know that my teammates will disappear from my life, just like happened when I left my last job, and the job before that, and university, and college. It sounds like I do it to myself, but people have become something in my life just to perform around in the hope that my mind doesn't create any lasting recollections of having made a fool of myself, according to my warped judgement of what it means to err in front of that given person. Work is a safe space in a way as my interaction with people is warranted by job responsibilities. In that sense, work is a cure for my loneliness, since in my spare time I am truly lonely as I do not allow myself to reach out to anybody.

Not just because of the company, but also because the work keeps me occupied, I feel really sad in the run-up to logging off on a friday. I really struggle on weekends, unless I find something to do, which takes some effort of motivation, energy and imagination.

I know it's sad, but I just wanted to post this because I wanted to see if anybody was in a similar situation of feeling estranged from the world of friends that a lot of people believe in without question, and whether there is anyone who struggles with the weekend, which to most people is always a two-day gift. Sometimes it's a gift to me, but if I can't think of what to do on a weekend then the boredom can be a fiend.  

PS. If I don't reply, sorry about that. I don't like the idea of me being out there, being noticed by people. 

Parents

  • Erm.. I mean yes.. I guess so.. I think that there’s a certain-level of humility that comes with being exposed to things and the same is true for socials. Working in your role I can imagine that it’s a lot easier to humble yourself before a machine or a project, because it isn’t going to judge you for failing to be accurate, you simply continue to fail or learn until you succeed. 
    With the world of ‘peopling’ it’s a little different because: (a) there are unwritten rules, (b) autistic people have social-emotional impairment, and (c) neurotypicals just tend to be able to intuit ‘people’ better.  
    With me it’s just been the case that in failing to gain a competence with things, I have been forced into exposed into plentiful humiliations and conclusions, that have caused me to humble myself. In essence I have learned the hard way, I have very-few degrees of humiliation left to fear, and I am quite casual about being honest-to-a-fault. I couldn’t care less about people when raise an eyebrow, I know my place, I know theirs, and I know it’s not really about me. 
    l also know that it’s not really beneficial for me to allow myself to be exploited, I know that friends are hard to find and that if I find one, it will be obvious because talking to true friends is easy.

    So what am I trying to say? Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself because no one cares, real-friends are hard to find and it is worth waiting a lifetime to find one, and a friendship is a simple thing.. I hope this somewhat resonates, I’m just spit balling, no hard feeling if you don’t reply..

Reply

  • Erm.. I mean yes.. I guess so.. I think that there’s a certain-level of humility that comes with being exposed to things and the same is true for socials. Working in your role I can imagine that it’s a lot easier to humble yourself before a machine or a project, because it isn’t going to judge you for failing to be accurate, you simply continue to fail or learn until you succeed. 
    With the world of ‘peopling’ it’s a little different because: (a) there are unwritten rules, (b) autistic people have social-emotional impairment, and (c) neurotypicals just tend to be able to intuit ‘people’ better.  
    With me it’s just been the case that in failing to gain a competence with things, I have been forced into exposed into plentiful humiliations and conclusions, that have caused me to humble myself. In essence I have learned the hard way, I have very-few degrees of humiliation left to fear, and I am quite casual about being honest-to-a-fault. I couldn’t care less about people when raise an eyebrow, I know my place, I know theirs, and I know it’s not really about me. 
    l also know that it’s not really beneficial for me to allow myself to be exploited, I know that friends are hard to find and that if I find one, it will be obvious because talking to true friends is easy.

    So what am I trying to say? Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself because no one cares, real-friends are hard to find and it is worth waiting a lifetime to find one, and a friendship is a simple thing.. I hope this somewhat resonates, I’m just spit balling, no hard feeling if you don’t reply..

Children
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