Should ‘family therapy’ be proscribed to Autistic-people and their close-carers..?

Before I knew I was autistic, I had actually been referred to a family therapist. At the time, my son happened to be receiving counselling from a colleague of the therapist, so it was suggested by the therapist that our separate sessions be combined into one session with her. From our perspective, it made sense. It was on the understanding that if either of us wanted to talk to the therapist about anything we weren't comfortable sharing with each other, then he or I would leave the room.

During the earlier sessions, I was asked to assist the therapist in building a family tree. This included information about causes of death, health issues, and traits/personality. The therapist had her suspicions, but it wasn't until a few sessions later that she asked me if I had ever considered I might be autistic. Her opinion was that there were traits on my mother's side of the family, which could be traced back to my maternal grandmother.

As it happened, the family therapist hadn't been the first person to mention the A-word. Some years previously, my son had been assessed by CAMHS. The opinion then had been that he wasn't autistic, but that I possibly was, and that my son's issues were the result of learnt behaviour from me.

Because my son and I have always had a close mother-son relationship, the therapy sessions were never an issue for us. During the earlier sessions, my mother would drive us and sit in the waiting room. This made me uncomfortable because almost every conversation I had with the therapist was about my mother, and the only thing separating us was an internal wall and door. At the back of my mind was the thought that maybe my mother had heard these conversations, causing my anxiety to increase during the journey home. What bothered me the most was one particular conversation, when I told the therapist that one of my biggest fears was that my dad would die before my mother. Trust him to make that fear a reality a couple of years later! 

Sorry, I've digressed. I vividly remember one particular session when the therapist invited my mother to join us and asked her about what I was like as a child. As I sat and listened to my reply, I felt a combination of acute embarrassment, confusion, and also deep hurt. This was especially true when my mother said, "Well, it was such a long time ago that there's a lot I've forgotten!" - Jeez! Thanks Mother! it wasn't that long ago since I was a child. Surely, you must have some lasting memories of my childhood?

Some may consider it petty, but while my mother was in the room, I took great delight in telling the therapist all about an incident from my childhood that I vividly remember...

My mother's booze-living brother, who we seldom got to see due to living more than 200 miles away, had travelled by train for a visit. With his love of alcohol being what it was, his day-long visit needed to include a visit to the pub. There was just one problem. Someone needed to stay at home to look after me. As I was a young child, and my parents knew the intoxicated state my uncle was likely to end up in, the possibility of us all going to a pub with a beer garden was out of the question. Despite my uncle being my mother's brother, she was the one that ended up staying home with me. This put her in a foul mood because she had really been looking forward to spending time with her brother. 

Unfortunately, I had been caught short and couldn't get to the bathroom in time, resulting in me wetting myself. It was the last straw for my mother, and all the resentment she had been feeling about not being able to spend time with her brother was projected at me. Before my mother looked out a clean change of clothes for me, I was given a telling off for being naughty, and a smack on the bottom. Oh yes, I took great delight in seeing the expression on my mother's face when I told the therapist all about that. [Cue slightly evil laugh]. 

In answer to your question about post-diagnosis family therapy being offered as standard, I think maybe it should be at the discretion of the diagnostic team. In other words, if they think it would be of use, then yes, perhaps. However, if they believe it would do more harm than good, then definitely not.

Before I knew I was autistic, I had actually been referred to a family therapist. At the time, my son happened to be receiving counselling from a colleague of the therapist, so it was suggested by the therapist that our separate sessions be combined into one session with her. From our perspective, it made sense. It was on the understanding that if either of us wanted to talk to the therapist about anything we weren't comfortable sharing with each other, then he or I would leave the room.

During the earlier sessions, I was asked to assist the therapist in building a family tree. This included information about causes of death, health issues, and traits/personality. The therapist had her suspicions, but it wasn't until a few sessions later that she asked me if I had ever considered I might be autistic. Her opinion was that there were traits on my mother's side of the family, which could be traced back to my maternal grandmother.

As it happened, the family therapist hadn't been the first person to mention the A-word. Some years previously, my son had been assessed by CAMHS. The opinion then had been that he wasn't autistic, but that I possibly was, and that my son's issues were the result of learnt behaviour from me.

Because my son and I have always had a close mother-son relationship, the therapy sessions were never an issue for us. During the earlier sessions, my mother would drive us and sit in the waiting room. This made me uncomfortable because almost every conversation I had with the therapist was about my mother, and the only thing separating us was an internal wall and door. At the back of my mind was the thought that maybe my mother had heard these conversations, causing my anxiety to increase during the journey home. What bothered me the most was one particular conversation, when I told the therapist that one of my biggest fears was that my dad would die before my mother. Trust him to make that fear a reality a couple of years later! 

Sorry, I've digressed. I vividly remember one particular session when the therapist invited my mother to join us and asked her about what I was like as a child. As I sat and listened to my reply, I felt a combination of acute embarrassment, confusion, and also deep hurt. This was especially true when my mother said, "Well, it was such a long time ago that there's a lot I've forgotten!" - Jeez! Thanks Mother! it wasn't that long ago since I was a child. Surely, you must have some lasting memories of my childhood?

Some may consider it petty, but while my mother was in the room, I took great delight in telling the therapist all about an incident from my childhood that I vividly remember...

My mother's booze-living brother, who we seldom got to see due to living more than 200 miles away, had travelled by train for a visit. With his love of alcohol being what it was, his day-long visit needed to include a visit to the pub. There was just one problem. Someone needed to stay at home to look after me. As I was a young child, and my parents knew the intoxicated state my uncle was likely to end up in, the possibility of us all going to a pub with a beer garden was out of the question. Despite my uncle being my mother's brother, she was the one that ended up staying home with me. This put her in a foul mood because she had really been looking forward to spending time with her brother. 

Unfortunately, I had been caught short and couldn't get to the bathroom in time, resulting in me wetting myself. It was the last straw for my mother, and all the resentment she had been feeling about not being able to spend time with her brother was projected at me. Before my mother looked out a clean change of clothes for me, I was given a telling off for being naughty, and a smack on the bottom. Oh yes, I took great delight in seeing the expression on my mother's face when I told the therapist all about that. [Cue slightly evil laugh]. 

In answer to your question about post-diagnosis family therapy being offered as standard, I think maybe it should be at the discretion of the diagnostic team. In other words, if they think it would be of use, then yes, perhaps. However, if they believe it would do more harm than good, then definitely not.

I have a really-hard time getting out old traumas around others, I guess my agreeable-nature knows that it’ll end in conflict, because my family have really-selective memories surrounding that stuff. And yes, they do have no problem ‘remembering’ things when their head-is-in-the-tiger’s-mouth, just not before when I ask civil questions.