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Do you ever feel like all change is bad?

Peter

I often feel like a change is bad it seems like every single event that happens that’s out of my control is always negative. There just never seems to be a situation where something spontaneously happens in your life without you expecting it and the change ends up being good rather than bad.

Every time a place I love has a sign on its door, every time a friend or a family member tells me they need to talk. Every news article about some scheme the council has for the city, my heart is filled with dread because it feels like something is about to change and it’s going to be bad.

The last good thing in my city was probably the new cinema opening up, even though it’s a nice cinema it has taken business away from the other cinema which is now struggling. The last good thing to happen in my family was probably my brother getting a job. And that wasn’t really so spontaneous, I helped him a lot trying to get that job, and now he’s got it unfortunately he just doesn’t have as much time to support me anymore which I appreciate of course. The last really good change in my friendship group, well I think the last time I made a new friend was probably something like 2017.

It didn’t used to be like this. As an autistic person I’ve always had a complicated relationship with change. But it used to be that even if bad change seems like it often outnumbered good change there was still good change there. People would leave my life but new people would come in. The café me and my mum used to like going to might close but a new place would open.

It’s been so long since I discovered a new thing I could enjoy. A new class I could go to, A new club night I could regularly attend, A new attraction I could patronise, A new person I could really connect with.

It’s been so long since I met anyone I felt I could develop romantic feelings for. And I have to say that even though I’ve never been in a serious relationship to miss it, I miss just having someone I feel that way about.

At what stage in our lives do good spontaneous things stop happening? At what stage do we stop meeting new people we can make a connection with? stop just stumbling onto things that we can enjoy? To actually make good things happen in your life is such an effort and it’s feels more and more like banging your head against a brick wall as life goes on.

Parents

  • The stage in-which good spontaneous-things stop happening, is around-about the time that spontaneous-things stop happening, which I guess is an unfortunate by-product of long-suffered autism. 
    A common-pillar of autism is the Repetitive-Restrictive Behaviours, that autists use to memorise their experiences and learn new-things, executive-function is not a strong-area of autistic-cognition, so we tend to develop rote and procedural cognitive-functions instead.  
    This can mean that autistic-people can develop peaks of ability that neurotypical-individuals would never think or need to develop. The downside to that is that the more-competent we become with those spared-abilities, the more we restrict ourselves from new-experiences and pull-away from the community. So alongside the loneliness that we feel for developing interests and abilities that few others hold, it can also take a tremendous-effort from our neurotypical close-carers and peers, to bring us out-of-our-shell and onto a path of development and spontaneity. 
    But all is not lost Peter, as you find yourself on a platform that is composed of a concentrate of the 1.5% of society who can most-empathise with you, but more than that we are the 1% of the 1.5% that are interested in sharing their stories and interestedly-listening to yours.
    So share your feelings and map your woes, because the low will pass and the vibes will flow; the more you effectively-communicate and the more you willingly-offload, the more proactive you will feel. Enjoyment is most-easy found in the realm of spontaneity, if we can pique your interest as opposed to your sorrow then you’ll be more likely to find enjoyment, and we’ll be happier because we get to observe you pursue it..! So good-luck and carry-on..!

  • in reply to DeSpereaux

    The problem is I’ve been actively going out of my way to try new things and the problem is they all suck. Or in some cases people just tell me I’m not allowed to do them.

  • in reply to Peter

    Well what are some of the new-things you were interested in, if I may be so bold..?

  • in reply to Iain

    To be fair, this could’ve been a discussion of its own, there are a multitude of tangents that this one could take..:’D

  • in reply to Peter

    Then that makes you a ‘citizen’, checking your impulses to-my-mind is to mute your desires, if you could not do that in a civilised-society then they would do it for you and your standing would likely be diminished, which would limit your social-mobility.. and thus minimise the harm you do to the community.

  • in reply to DeSpereaux
    DeSpereaux said:
    In order to live in the world you have to be prepared to face it, only the meek can do that successfully, you cannot be meek if you do not have a sword to unsheath.

    That is the arguement the right wing in the USA use to limit gun control - you need guns to be able to stop other people with guns etc.

    In the UK there is very strict gun control and even the police have very few gun carriers yet the gun crime rate in the UK is very low, a tiny fraction of what the USA has.

    I believe you don't need those teeth or thorns is the society you live in has the appropriate controls to require you to need them, and indeed in relation to autism there are safeguards in place and being added that should ensure we do not need to develop our own aggressive responses.

  • in reply to DeSpereaux

    I can continue to elaborate, with prompting, so feel free..:)

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