UPDATE : I posted an update to this situation in a reply below, but to cut it short, i decided to go on antidepressants after considering what the replies had to say about them and my general situation.
I also did change the title of the post for accuracy and to better represent the focus
ORIGINAL POST:
A bit of background. I am 19, failed college 3 years ago due to social difficulties and have been looking for a job since. My parents are divorced and i live with my mum and 2 siblings. I have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder only and not depression or anything else."
My mum wants me to go on antidepressants because she thinks i am unwell but i dont want to for multiple reasons. I want to outline them and i would appreciate thoughts or advice.
1st is that i find it hard to trust doctors anymore because i have a lot of trauma with going to the hospital due to suicidal feelings and feeling rejected/invalidated. I have had a counsellor and a therapist before and they both reported me for saying i was suicidal so i feel like it's not safe to talk to professionals anymore about how i truly feel.
2ndly is that i don't want to be dependant on anything because i fear situations i won't have access to them. Because i have expressed suicidal feelings before they would most likely give them to my mum who have to administer it to me. She is not always around. She is forgetful and gets drunk a few times a week. It's likely i won't be able to take these exactly as directed which would cause anxiety.
3rdly and lastly is that i fear the concept of antidepressants is unnatural and or dangerous. I feel like i have valid reasons for why i feel so depressed and i feel like it wouldn't lead for anything good for me to block that out. I have heard reports of antidepressants making people more suicidal or likely to self harm and these are things i have struggled with in the past before. Also, i have heard before that believing that your medication won't work may actually make them less likely to work and the opposite can also be true. Idk if that is factual but it makes sense to me.
Also to go into about my reasons for feeling depressed. For me not having any friends has always been very difficult for me to live with and i am only becoming more and more socially isolated as my life goes on. I have limited interests, it's very rare i feel immersed or enjoy anything anymore. I find it impossible to relax and even go to sleep at a normal time. I have nothing to spend my energy on so i am awake for many more hours longer than i was when i had high school so that is why. In general i just feel like life is not worth living for me. I see much more despair and suffering in the world than i see hope and pure joy. But i cannot kill myself because the pain is too much, i have no realistic way of doing so.
So overall i just feel like antidepressants will not help and make me feel worse, do you agree or disagree?
