Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a middle-aged male and have recently learnt that it is highly likely I am autistic and have ADHD (my children were both diagnosed a few years ago and my wife increasingly saw that I had many traits). I have a long wait ahead for a formal diagnosis but it makes a lot of sense of the struggles I feel I have had my whole life. I have struggled with intense sexual desire for my wife ever since I first got to know her. I am very intense and obsessional about her, I suppose you could say. I have never had another relationship and we married when I was a teenager. The problem is that I am frustrated all the time and feel ashamed that I can't switch my imagination off. I think it's possibly the case that I seriously misjudged/misread how sexually interested she was in me during our brief courtship. We're hardly ever intimate and it has always felt that way to me. She has recently said that this aspect of the relationship is something she could take or leave. Where as I am desperate to feel the intimacy of someone enjoying regular sexual closeness.
I do not want a divorce. We are both Christians and raising two adopted children who need a lot of support. Even if my faith and the needs of the children were not factors, I don't think I could love anyone else any way. Porn and extra-marital sex are not options I will consider. I've felt so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for nearly thirty years now, but when I accepted that I might be autistic I started wondering if my sexual desire was in some way affected/related. That's when I came across the more recent clinical [link removed by moderation team] into hypersexuality and increased prevalence in autistic males. In the USA there is medical treatment to reduce libido but I can't find anything about that here in the UK. My new GP seemed a bit freaked out when I blurted all this out recently. I think where I am at is that I would rather lose this part of myself than lose my family.
Has anyone here had similar struggles or experience of extreme sexual frustration / unwanted libido / hypersexuality? What has helped? Are you aware of any treatment possibilities?
Hi ShinyBrownEyes,
Wow, i can see so much of my story in your experiences.
I am a 51 year old Christian who has attempted to deal with a very high sex drive since the age of 12. In doing so I have not been as loyal to Jesus as you have, so all respect to you for maintaining certain boundaries.
I have learnt a lot about myself, the Lord and more recently the impact my autism has on me as a sexual being.
I am married to a wonderful lady but have not reached a comfortable place yet where Ii can say that this no longer causes me issues.
However, what i would like to say to you is:
1) Thank you Lord for the gift of sexual pleasure within a safe commited marriage.
2) I pray for you that this whole unsettling, disturbing and sometimes infuriating issue will bring you closer to Christ and increase your love for your wife.
3) Getting practical here, I am sure your wife knows you desire her and that is great. So I suggest communicating your 'desire' for her in additional ways that value her other facets as a human being. Set yourself a mission to compliment her every time you notice anything about her that fits with Philippians 4:8. Be impressed with the small and big stuff she says and does and tell her. Most importantly, every time you do this expect nothing in return. Just keep on showing her how fantastic a human being she is to you and how you value her as a complete human being made in the image of God. Be genuine, be honest and take joy in making her smile in many other ways.
4) Forgive me if you are already doing the above.
5) Finally, God knows you and loves you and will not give up on you.
Stand, fall, get up, stand. The way of a warrior.
Blessings,
Mark