I’m looking for some guidance on how to help my 18 year old daughter. She has just been diagnosed as having ASD and is going through a depressive episode. I feel really helpless when she is having a melt down telling me she can’t cope any more with the thoughts she has. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. I’m scared to leave her on her own but worried she is too dependant on me. Any advice or guidance would be very much appreciated. Thank you
I know how scary it can feel to hear that from your child but it's actually a good thing she can say this to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that she will harm herself but I agree that you should be concerned that she feels so distressed and maybe learn the signs that someone is feeling suicidal if you feel that's a possibility. Also, autistic shutdown looks a lot like depression from the outside but feels different to depression when you are experiencing it. It's important to know if she really is depressed because treating someone for depression when they are in fact experiencing shutdown won't work.
If she's having frequent meltdowns it shows how much stress she is feeling. Is she able to tell you her stressors? Maybe she could write them down if it's too difficult to say. I'm just saying this from personal experience - it really helps to be able to express what is leading to a meltdown if the person you are communicating with is non-judgemental. I've been called "emotionally unstable", "overreacting" and other unhelpful things when I've shown distress about a situation. I've felt a lot of shame and guilt for my nervous system reacting this way. A meltdown is an uncontrollable reaction to overwhelm. You don't need to "fix" this for her. If she is able to work out what is going on and find strategies to manage her anxiety her meltdowns will decrease. When someone is feeling that way they are in defense mode. Wait until the meltdown is over then you could say something like "I don't know exactly how to help yet. Maybe we could work out a plan together about how to manage this." On a practical level I have found having an emergency kit for feeling overwhelmed helps. Mine is in a pretty makeup bag and contains a fidget ring (because I pick my cuticles if I'm nervous), a sweet or square of chocolate because feeling strong emotions is exhausting and that gives me energy fast, and a small bottle of aromatherapy oil that I can put on my wrist and sniff, which also slows my breathing down. Some people also find grounding exercises help, like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (easy to find on the internet). There are also guides for meltdowns on the internet.
It is a lot to learn about when your child is first diagnosed. You don't have to get it right straight away. My son was diagnosed at 3 and he's 19 now and I'm still learning, especially as the understanding about neurodivergency has changed so much in that time. I've found the BBC podcast 1800 Seconds on Autism helpful recently. I don't feel like I have the energy to focus on books at the moment, but with this on I can also be doing chores and sometimes my son comes in the room and listens too and it helps him understand himself better. Squarepeg is also an excellent podcast and is focused purely on the experience of autistic women and non-binary people.
You're only able to do so much in a day and it is exhausting to try to help someone that is very upset frequently. Knowing that someone is there for you and will try their best to help is good enough in an emergency situation. The preventative and management will take time and self awareness skills. Sorry there's no quick solution.
I know how scary it can feel to hear that from your child but it's actually a good thing she can say this to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that she will harm herself but I agree that you should be concerned that she feels so distressed and maybe learn the signs that someone is feeling suicidal if you feel that's a possibility. Also, autistic shutdown looks a lot like depression from the outside but feels different to depression when you are experiencing it. It's important to know if she really is depressed because treating someone for depression when they are in fact experiencing shutdown won't work.
If she's having frequent meltdowns it shows how much stress she is feeling. Is she able to tell you her stressors? Maybe she could write them down if it's too difficult to say. I'm just saying this from personal experience - it really helps to be able to express what is leading to a meltdown if the person you are communicating with is non-judgemental. I've been called "emotionally unstable", "overreacting" and other unhelpful things when I've shown distress about a situation. I've felt a lot of shame and guilt for my nervous system reacting this way. A meltdown is an uncontrollable reaction to overwhelm. You don't need to "fix" this for her. If she is able to work out what is going on and find strategies to manage her anxiety her meltdowns will decrease. When someone is feeling that way they are in defense mode. Wait until the meltdown is over then you could say something like "I don't know exactly how to help yet. Maybe we could work out a plan together about how to manage this." On a practical level I have found having an emergency kit for feeling overwhelmed helps. Mine is in a pretty makeup bag and contains a fidget ring (because I pick my cuticles if I'm nervous), a sweet or square of chocolate because feeling strong emotions is exhausting and that gives me energy fast, and a small bottle of aromatherapy oil that I can put on my wrist and sniff, which also slows my breathing down. Some people also find grounding exercises help, like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (easy to find on the internet). There are also guides for meltdowns on the internet.
It is a lot to learn about when your child is first diagnosed. You don't have to get it right straight away. My son was diagnosed at 3 and he's 19 now and I'm still learning, especially as the understanding about neurodivergency has changed so much in that time. I've found the BBC podcast 1800 Seconds on Autism helpful recently. I don't feel like I have the energy to focus on books at the moment, but with this on I can also be doing chores and sometimes my son comes in the room and listens too and it helps him understand himself better. Squarepeg is also an excellent podcast and is focused purely on the experience of autistic women and non-binary people.
You're only able to do so much in a day and it is exhausting to try to help someone that is very upset frequently. Knowing that someone is there for you and will try their best to help is good enough in an emergency situation. The preventative and management will take time and self awareness skills. Sorry there's no quick solution.
Thank you so much for replying. Lots of good hints and tips. I like your suggestion about saying we could work out a plan together and the idea of an emergency kit. I have just bought her some fidget spinners so that could be a start. She is seeing a psychologist at the minute and they have diagnosed a depressive episode and she’s spent just under a month in hospital. She’s tried some of the grounding techniques but she just keeps saying she can’t cope with the feelings. That’s when I feel helpless
