In light of the recent documentaries focused on Autism (in particular Inside our Autistic Minds and Christine McGuinness: Unmasking my Autism) I have been spending a lot of time in contemplation and reflection. The desire for understanding and, ultimately, acceptance radiates throughout each account in these documentaries. Well, that is certainly something I can relate to. I also believe that a lot of other people in a similar position to myself feel the same.
For me though, I realised that a lot of the lack of acceptance I felt was actually coming from me. A prime example of this can be seen in the way that when people I respect ever payed me a compliment or spoke positively about me, I just couldn’t see what they could, never mind being able to accept their words. When I finally spotted this in myself, I realised I had a new project to attend to: promoting acceptance within myself.
My journey, like many, is one of emotional ups and downs. Never quite belonging anywhere slowly chips away at you, and that is most certainly the case for me. By the time of my diagnosis, there wasn’t all that much left to be honest. I am currently working rebuild some sense of self worth after years of weathering the storm.
This is where two of my hobbies come in; woodwork and exercise. These are great hobbies in that they both allow me to experience a sense of achievement, they are creative in the way that you can learn techniques and apply those techniques to whatever goal you have in mind, and they are also tiring in the best ways.
However, it is not for these reasons that I am recording my thoughts. Being autistic, I spend a long time thinking and highlighting links where they, if not made clear, may remain unseen. This process is part of me. It is, fundamentally, who I am. A couple of these links are why I am writing here today. For me, these connections have been invaluable in my journey towards self-worth and self-acceptance. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to share them with you now.
Why mention exercise? Well aside from the obviously positive side effects of physical exertion, it was an observation linked to consistency that helped me see something, well, more. I exercise for mental well-being, but after a longer period of consistent exercise, I noticed my strength had increased. Over time, and due to a commitment, I had become more than I originally was. Yes this was a purely physical feat, but it lead me to wonder if I could apply a similar approach with my mental health and sense of self-worth too. What would something like that even look like? Well, I’ve started trying a few things and, like my physical training, I’m starting to notice a few differences in my view of myself. I’m beginning to challenge my inner critic. Its refreshing to be honest.
How does woodwork link to this then? Well this part of my thought process becomes a bit more conceptual, but sometimes thinking with imagery helps me to understand things, so I’ll try to explain what I saw during my contemplative phase. Woodworking, or rather, finishing a project when woodworking can be immensely satisfying. However, no matter how careful you are, mistakes can happen. As a beginner, this is a very frequent occurrence for me!
Well, when cutting into wood, occasionally, ‘tear out’ can occur. During this, shards or pieces of wood, varying in sizes, can be torn from the bulk of the material in a dramatic and unplanned way. Tear out can end your project if it’s severe enough. Now, you can file, plane or sand your material to hide these instances, but occasionally you are working with very narrow tolerances and those ‘fixes’ will not cut it. In those moments, all you can do is find that splinter of material and reattach it. The difficulty can often lie in actually finding the missing piece, but no matter how hidden it is, it’s there somewhere and you just have to find it.
My journey to this point of my life has included many moments where part of me has been chipped away in a very comparable way. Up until recently, I’d just carry on plodding along and accept that those parts of me were now gone, but more recently I have recognised that they are still around somewhere, I just need to look closely enough.
But the analogy doesn’t end there. You see, to reattach the torn out wood shards, I use wood glue. Adhesives takes time to cure and become strong. Given enough time and precision, after reattaching the wood, you’d never know what had happened in the first place. Well, just like the glue, trying to rebuild my self-worth will take time to become established and believed. But I’m hoping that, in a similar way to the cured bonds of wood glue, when given enough time, my self-belief and self worth will be strongly established too.
The world may seem like a hostile place to us at times, especially from an autistic perspective, but I am learning that we are worthy of [self] advocacy. We are worthy of understanding and being understood. We are worthy of acceptance. We are worthy of our time here on Earth.
To (sort of) quote a comment from Christine McGuinness: Unmasking My Autism, Imagine not turning up for our own lives. Although change is difficult, from my perspective, this seems to be the time for one.
