Growing increasingly concerned about my mother (venting)

I'm glad your mother is good at hydrating. I'd normally try to edit a wall of text as I find paragraph breaks make it easier to read, but I was feeling stressed and better to just share the wall as you sat sometimes.

Thanks for your kind wishes Sam. For now, I'm rather hoping it's just a case of my son and me jumping to the wrong conclusions.

Oh God! My mother is a long way off from needing to be put in a care home... however tempting the prospect of that often seems.  - Please note that I've inherited a somewhat dark sense of humour from dad, which my son has also inherited, and my mother is also not averse to dark humour.

Joking aside, yes my son can get stressed. Sometimes this results in a not-so-secret stash of beer bottles in his bedroom. Not to drown his sorrows and forget, but because getting drunk seems to be the only way he can release all the anger and frustration that's been building up and get it out of his system. This is not a regular thing, and he knows it's not the best way of dealing with his stress. 

I had to chuckle at your mention of your mother's difficulties in learning how to use a fax machine. Whilst doing an office-based YTS during my late teens, I had been given a task that involved using a fax machine. I did not have a clue, despite repeated attempts by the company receptionist to explain what I was meant to do and how to use it. However, I'm pleased to say I understood enough to know the item being faxed didn't magically disappear down the phone line and reappear at the recipient's end. 

There was a groan of despair when my mother informed us last year that she wanted to get a laptop. After my son had been roped into going with her to buy one, he had set it up for her and told her, "Whatever you do, DON'T unplug these cables." So, no prizes for guessing what she went and did, and why there was a frantic phone call because something had supposedly stopped working. 

Not having any experience in this area I honestly don't know if I have anything to suggest that would be useful, I am sorry you and your family are going through this though.

Thank you for your reply, your son must get quite stressed at times. It’s really worth reassuring your mother that you’re not trying to put her into a care home. My mother was worried we would try and sell her house and put her away. Obviously not our intention at all. I’ve worked with elderly people in the past,  I’ve  known dementia to happen overnight. The POA is just a safety net. 
The phone calls can be very hard work, my mother won’t call with her landline, she doesn’t want to pay for the call. She calls with her mobile but lives in a poor reception area, the signal cuts in and out, this then makes it really exasperating. My dad ran a small business so I got a fax machine to make life easier, I had to explain over and over that the machine didn’t roll the paper up tightly so it can go down the phone line. You can see what I’m up against. I would suggest just monitoring the situation at the moment and just have the odd brief chat about the future.

I do find, for a generation that  taught manners, please and thank you, they can be very rude and outspoken.

Excellent point about confusion that can be caused by a bladder infection. This is exactly what happened with my gran before her Vascular Dementia was diagnosed. One thing I will say for my mother is that she does keep herself hydrated and makes a point of drinking a lot of water, as she is so acutely aware of the effect that being dehydrated can have on older people.

I am happy for you that your mother is in a better care home than the one she was previously in. Also, no need to apologise for the wall of text. Sometimes it can be good to share and compare experiences. 

I feel for you Roy, I really do. For the first year or so after my dad's death, it seemed as though if my mother wasn't phoning my son at all hours, then she was phoning me. Obviously, we had some sympathy for her considering she was grieving and adjusting to the loss of her beloved husband. Eventually, the frequency of her phone calls lessened... A few times a week, as opposed to multiple times a day.

However, as my son understands more about technology than me, he will often find himself on the receiving end of frantic phone calls asking if he can pop over because of something my mother perceives to be a technological emergency that needs to be dealt with a.s.a.p. As one might appreciate, it can test my son's patience when the phone call is late at night, and the so-called emergency turns out to be something that could have waited and been dealt with at a more sociable hour. It reached the point where my son felt he had to start laying down a few ground rules... Not that my mother seems to take much notice. 

What I find almost laughable is that my mother will sometimes phone me and explain whatever issue it is she is having, as she doesn't want to disturb my son. The thing is, she knows the issue is something I cannot help with, meaning that my son inevitably ends up being disturbed anyway. There are days when the pair of us just cannot face answering my mother's phone calls. The result is that my mother will call my son on his mobile and leave an often-confusing voicemail that he cannot make sense of, and then she will phone the landline and leave the same message on my answer machine. More often than not, the answer machine stops recording part-way through her message, due to it being so long. If I happen to be within earshot, if often causes me to chuckle... As though the answer machine is thinking, "Oh God! It's that woman again. Agh! I can't cope!" 

Anyway, I have been doing some brief reading today about Power of Attorney, the different types (Joint, Mixed, etc), and the pros and cons of the different types.

I am so sorry you had the experience the Dementia journey with your mum. As you were living with her (apologies if I misinterpreted that), I can well imagine what a nightmare that must have been for you. There is absolutely no way I could even entertain the idea of living with my mother (dementia or not), as I know it probably wouldn't end well.

Aww I am so sorry, this must be so hard for you both right now.

I think sitting down and talking as a family is a good plan and a good way forward. You can maybe test the waters, see if she's open to discussing what you want. I think talking is always a good move - or writing your feelings and thoughts down if you don't like talking.

I used to write little letters to my mum when I was worried and had concerns, she was always really kind and caring.

Sending you hugs xxx

Thank you for your response Luna. 

My son and I had a fairly lengthy conversation about my mother today. We came to the conclusion that she is not quite enough of a concern for us to persuade her to see her GP, but we do think it wouldn't do any harm for the three of us to have a discussion at some point in the not-too-distant about Power of Attorney.

For the most part, my mother is of sound mind and perfectly capable of making her own decisions and living independently. It's just that where technology (in particular) is concerned, she has a tendency to form beliefs that are of greater concern than they used to be.

To be honest Desmond, when I decided to switch to digital TV, it initially caused me some confusion too... Having to remember that instead of pressing 3 on my remote control for ITV, I needed to press 1+0+3 instead. Therefore, I can understand why your gran had difficulties. Especially as the older one is, the harder it can be to adjust to technological changes.

Yes, it can be testing, but then there can also be times when I feel one has to see the funny side and find humour where one can... That's what can help to make the testing times more bearable. As a result of my great-grandmother who developed Alzheimer's, I learnt at quite a young age that it's important to go along with whatever they say and not attempt to correct them.

When my great-grandmother was living in a warden-controlled bungalow, she would insist upon my gran tying one end of a piece of string on the handle of her kitchen door, and the other end to the handle of her pantry door. This was to prevent things from being stolen from the pantry, I think. In her younger years, she had worked as a Housekeeper, and I think that was where her mind had taken her back to. She would talk about "Sir" a lot, and say "Sir" would be cross if things were stolen from the pantry (presumably by the servants). Every evening, when my gran visited to help put my great-grandmother to bed, she would have to go through the same ritual of tying that piece of string to the door handles before she left, which would then be removed when she visited the following morning.

What I find incredible is that whilst it must have been incredibly upsetting for my gran to witness her mother's decline, she never lost her ability to see the funny side, and never complained. Even more incredible was that whilst she was caring for my great-grandmother, she was also caring for a terminally ill husband, and a paralysed brother. It has to be said that my gran was certainly made of strong stuff, and part of a generation that just rolled their sleeves up and got on with it. 

Such a difficult situation. Don't forget a bladder infection can cause confusion which can look like dementia in older people. Always worth checking that first, especially if she doesn't keep well hydrated.

And it can be both at once! My husband's mum has a family history of dementia, but when she was still living alone she got a bladder infection and went right off the rails, she was quite scary even for one who had seemed to me a kind old lady! We had to get her to hospital but although they treated the bladder infection, it took so long to shift they were convinced it was also dementia and had her put on really strong drugs and it might not have been the right thing to do as she did eventually get better enough to go back home, after a long unhappy stay in a dementia care home that smelled of wee which was the best we could find. She is now in a much nicer care home my husband's sister found for her and does have dementia now for sure, but I still don't know how much of that previous incident was the bladder infection, how much was dementia and how much after a while was just her reaction to the very strong drugs and being in that awful place which she tried to escape from and worse. It was a horrible time and contributed to my massive burnout. Sorry for the wall of text! I hadn't meant to share all that but then thought it might be useful.

I’m really sorry you are going through this at the moment, I’m very much in the same situation, my father became ill and died, my mother is now 76. I get phone calls for mundane things, it’s very much seen as if my brother and sister have jobs and are busy, I’m self employed which doesn’t seem to count. My dad sorted out power of attorney for both of them when he knew he was dying. It can’t or is really hard to do after someone becomes of unsound mind. Mother complains about this huge house and the running costs but won’t move. Sky tv get phone calls as she is convinced that they are all b**tards and out  to get her. She watches tv till about 4am and then sleeps until lunchtime. I get that some of her issues are loneliness, what I find hard to cope with is the phone calls, I get accused of not answering my phone, I’ve tried to explain that sometimes, it’s not won’t it’s can’t, I become non verbal when anxious. Unfortunately autism doesn’t really exist in the minds of the boomer generation. I really do suggest sorting out power of attorney. Sorry to rant on.

You have my sympathy and understanding because I went through something similar with my mom.

She showed signs of dementia, slowly over a decade and then it got much worse suddenly after a head injury. Combined with social isolation, memory loss and paranoia,  living with her for the last year of her life was an absolute nightmare.

Hi, Sparkly,

I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this worrying time. It can't be easy for either of you and I can understand how you don't want to have to cope with everything if it leads to that.

Have you tried talking to your mum, like just gently hinting that she call the doctor to talk about things? When my mum was poorly before she knew for sure I hinted she go to the doctors, which she didn't at first but eventually did and then they found her cancer.

I really hope your situation improves and I'm always here if you ever need to talk about things.

Hugs xxx

My Gran was set in her ways, and could never understand technology. For example, in the days of terrestrial TV RTE1 was on Channel 6. After getting digital, she had ITV2 on; as that's Channel 6 on digital. 

last 5 years of someone with alzheimers is really testing family loyalty and perserverence. My cousin's grandma had it. I have seen her many times during last years, and she wasn't lucid most of the time, and you couldn't stop her, because she didn't recognise you.

Hi Cullpepper. I am so sorry my post has caused you distress. I was so wrapped up in my own worries that I didn't stop to consider the effect my post might have on other members. The home I currently live in is the only place that has ever truly felt like home. Therefore, I can understand why you have mixed feelings about the prospect of moving one day.

I am sorry your nan hated the care home she was in. It's hard to know what my great-grandmother thought of the care home she was in, as she had lost the ability to speak by the time she had been moved there. I think she must have been happy if the smile on her face was anything to go by.

As for my gran, she loved her care home and got on brilliantly with the staff. She would invite them to her room for a tipple after they had finished their shifts, and I believe she was the only resident that had been granted permission to have a landline telephone installed.

During her younger years, my gran had been a nurse in the army (WWII). Prior to her moving into the care home, she had been admitted to hospital, as a result of being away with the fairies. My mother had visited and had found it rather unnerving because my gran clearly thought she was back in her nursing days, and that it was her duty to issue instructions to the other patients on the ward like a stern Matron of yesteryear.

My mother isn't yet at the stage of needing to go into a care home. For now, we're just continuing to keep an eye on her, so to speak. She's fairly independent and not at the stage of being a danger to herself... yet. If it was possible for some kind of care package to be put in place, it would need to be NHS-funded, unless my mother funded it herself. 

For now, I think it's one step at a time. A matter of having a conversation with her, and hopefully persuading her to make an appointment for a discussion with the GP. Not great timing to be honest, as she's currently recovering from a recent knee fracture and unable to drive.