Hi.
My family betrayed me and I have C-PTSD, so I feel like I can not have people in my life because they will just betray me and deceive me, and I am scared of getting hurt again. I want people in my life but I feel that I can not and that it is not safe to.
I left school after failing most of my exams. I was always predicted to get high grades, but several mental health problems meant I had to take two periods of several months of school, one right before my exams. My school would only let me resit English and maths, and I felt that I had not been given a fair opportunity; and no other schools would accept me because my grades were too low, so I decided to study at home for a year, resit all of my exams and then go on to my next level of education. I was also diagnosed with ASD just a few weeks before my exams. The psychologist said that I should get extra time, which I always knew I needed, but it was too late for the school to arrange it. The person who was our point of contact in school after my mental health problems was also not helpful.
However, I was unable to resit my exams, because my mental health got worse again. After being told for so long by a pushy school, which exuberated my perfectionism and made me feel that I constantly had to be improving myself or I was not good enough, that I was going to be and do certain things, and then those things not happening, the tiny amount of self-confidence that I had left was shattered.
Now, I feel that I am rubbish at everything and incapable and not clever enough to do anything. I've felt sad and lonely for three weeks. I have no friends, because I never saw school friends outside of school, and I let them all go because I thought they would be better of without me. I'm not sure what to do next in life. Everything just feels pointless. Things that used to make me happy do not anymore. I alternate between blocking my emotions out and feeling numb because they hurt too much, and feeling desperately lonely. I live in an area where I don't see many other young people. I thought about going to performing arts classes or some other group activity, but they're all for children or expensive (or both). Sometimes I just want to pretend that the world does not exist.
