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Am I being emotionally manipulated or is it me?

NAS71657

My father is in his nineties with multiple health issues. Recently, several more have arisen. I also have health difficulties (cataracts, broken bones in the back, an electrolyte disorder and am waiting for a further scan re. something potentially serious). I am also a part-time student (the doctor encouraged me in this). In October my father started to take out his own frustrations verbally on me which landed me in hospital for a suspected heart attack when in the middle of my first university written assignment. Then he phoned saying that he couldn't cope on his own and I contacted emergency social care (which has still not been initiated). The doctor told me that I need to take care of myself at the same time but I had to phone the NHS crisis line for additional support. I told my father that I could not answer his phone calls as they were causing me real anxiety and he demanded that he should have been informed about the help I was getting because  he has a right to know being my father. II then had a distant relative (to whom I had never spoken and who knows nothing about me) phone me and verbally abuse me for abnegating my responsibility (I have no siblings and there are no close relatives). I managed to calm the anxiety and digestive problems by taking time away from speaking to my father, I then contacted him and he said he had changed (He says this and for a few days things are fine and then he reverts to the same behaviour). Last weekend I was revising before my exam this Friday and my father said that he could not wait until I came home then, that he would be dead before then. This completely messed with my mind and health, not to mention preparation for my exam and I asked to defer the exam until August so that I could go home. He was taken out to a social event the next day, and was OK for it. He says he was sorry about my having to postpone my studies but it was how he was feeling then.  I am now feeling extremely down myself at the prospect of spending Christmas alone with him.Why do I feel he is insincere? 

Parents

  • This is going to sound very harsh but it's true so please read and take this on advisement.

    Regarding:

         "he has a right to know"

    No he doesn't.
    A parent has no rights to or over an adult child.
    And you have not signed on to be his carer nor are you obligated to.

          "abnegating my responsibility (I have no siblings "

    Again you have not signed on to be his carer nor are you obligated to. This is 2022 not 1822. He will be taken care of by the state with assistance from local autorities etc if he needs care and you are not prepared (for ANY reason)  to give it.

           "Last weekend I was revising before my exam this Friday and my father said that he could not wait until I came home then, that he would be dead before then. This completely messed with my mind and health, not to mention preparation for my exam and I asked to defer the exam until August so that I could go home. He was taken out to a social event the next day, and was OK for it. He says he was sorry about my having to postpone my studies but it was how he was feeling then.  I am now feeling extremely down myself at the prospect of spending Christmas alone with him.Why do I feel he is insincere? "

    Because that is manipulative abuse. Or at least it sounds extremely like it. Children didn't ask to be born and we owe our parents nothing. Again it's not 1822 where people had to have kids to look after them when they got older because there was no social care but the workhouse back then.

    You are well within your rights to set boundaries and to live your own life, not only is it your right to do so but it is healthy for you to do so. And anyone who doesn't respect that doesn't respect you enough to be worth you keeping in your life.
    You deserve to be healthy, happy, and to have peace. You are your own person, you belong to you. You not your father's keeper.
    As tough as it is for your father, he cannot mistreat you this way, it's not suddenly okay just because he is ill.

    My own mother who had been abusing me in one form or another for over 30 years ramped it up x100 when she had cancer, and I had to cut all ties because she was affecting my ability to cope with daily life, we are estranged now and no doubt her fave child my brother will get all her money when she eventually passes but I do not care. You cannot put a price on not being abused for the same reason you cannot buy the right to abuse someone, abuse is never acceptable. I will never regret walking away from that "relationship".

Reply

  • This is going to sound very harsh but it's true so please read and take this on advisement.

    Regarding:

         "he has a right to know"

    No he doesn't.
    A parent has no rights to or over an adult child.
    And you have not signed on to be his carer nor are you obligated to.

          "abnegating my responsibility (I have no siblings "

    Again you have not signed on to be his carer nor are you obligated to. This is 2022 not 1822. He will be taken care of by the state with assistance from local autorities etc if he needs care and you are not prepared (for ANY reason)  to give it.

           "Last weekend I was revising before my exam this Friday and my father said that he could not wait until I came home then, that he would be dead before then. This completely messed with my mind and health, not to mention preparation for my exam and I asked to defer the exam until August so that I could go home. He was taken out to a social event the next day, and was OK for it. He says he was sorry about my having to postpone my studies but it was how he was feeling then.  I am now feeling extremely down myself at the prospect of spending Christmas alone with him.Why do I feel he is insincere? "

    Because that is manipulative abuse. Or at least it sounds extremely like it. Children didn't ask to be born and we owe our parents nothing. Again it's not 1822 where people had to have kids to look after them when they got older because there was no social care but the workhouse back then.

    You are well within your rights to set boundaries and to live your own life, not only is it your right to do so but it is healthy for you to do so. And anyone who doesn't respect that doesn't respect you enough to be worth you keeping in your life.
    You deserve to be healthy, happy, and to have peace. You are your own person, you belong to you. You not your father's keeper.
    As tough as it is for your father, he cannot mistreat you this way, it's not suddenly okay just because he is ill.

    My own mother who had been abusing me in one form or another for over 30 years ramped it up x100 when she had cancer, and I had to cut all ties because she was affecting my ability to cope with daily life, we are estranged now and no doubt her fave child my brother will get all her money when she eventually passes but I do not care. You cannot put a price on not being abused for the same reason you cannot buy the right to abuse someone, abuse is never acceptable. I will never regret walking away from that "relationship".

Children
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