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Am I being emotionally manipulated or is it me?

NAS71657

My father is in his nineties with multiple health issues. Recently, several more have arisen. I also have health difficulties (cataracts, broken bones in the back, an electrolyte disorder and am waiting for a further scan re. something potentially serious). I am also a part-time student (the doctor encouraged me in this). In October my father started to take out his own frustrations verbally on me which landed me in hospital for a suspected heart attack when in the middle of my first university written assignment. Then he phoned saying that he couldn't cope on his own and I contacted emergency social care (which has still not been initiated). The doctor told me that I need to take care of myself at the same time but I had to phone the NHS crisis line for additional support. I told my father that I could not answer his phone calls as they were causing me real anxiety and he demanded that he should have been informed about the help I was getting because  he has a right to know being my father. II then had a distant relative (to whom I had never spoken and who knows nothing about me) phone me and verbally abuse me for abnegating my responsibility (I have no siblings and there are no close relatives). I managed to calm the anxiety and digestive problems by taking time away from speaking to my father, I then contacted him and he said he had changed (He says this and for a few days things are fine and then he reverts to the same behaviour). Last weekend I was revising before my exam this Friday and my father said that he could not wait until I came home then, that he would be dead before then. This completely messed with my mind and health, not to mention preparation for my exam and I asked to defer the exam until August so that I could go home. He was taken out to a social event the next day, and was OK for it. He says he was sorry about my having to postpone my studies but it was how he was feeling then.  I am now feeling extremely down myself at the prospect of spending Christmas alone with him.Why do I feel he is insincere? 

Parents

  • Elderly parents are often a drain on their kids in their twilight years.  That is my experience and the experience of all those who I know who had the privilege/curse of having elderly parents around them.  The particular flavour of burden varies with dementia, physical ill health and/or mental health all being common.  The situational realities for each blend of flavours are always exhausting and disruptive to a middle aged or younger lifestyle.

    Who can know if he is being insincere ?  Potentially, he perhaps doesn't know that himself.  He's an old chap - and even when a 90 year old is in chipper form, the mind has often become very weathered and rounded like a pebble at that age.

    All we can do in these situations is our best, with the resources that we find at our disposal.....and it's the same for your father too.

    Whilst not wanting to sound too nihilistic about things here, the one thing that I can guarantee you is that the likelihood of having another Christmas with your dad like this one will be, is very low.  Therefore, for better or worse, try and enjoy the time for what it is.

    I hope you will find some joy and comfort from your time together - even if such moments are fleeting.  Try and savour.

    Kind regards.

Reply

  • Elderly parents are often a drain on their kids in their twilight years.  That is my experience and the experience of all those who I know who had the privilege/curse of having elderly parents around them.  The particular flavour of burden varies with dementia, physical ill health and/or mental health all being common.  The situational realities for each blend of flavours are always exhausting and disruptive to a middle aged or younger lifestyle.

    Who can know if he is being insincere ?  Potentially, he perhaps doesn't know that himself.  He's an old chap - and even when a 90 year old is in chipper form, the mind has often become very weathered and rounded like a pebble at that age.

    All we can do in these situations is our best, with the resources that we find at our disposal.....and it's the same for your father too.

    Whilst not wanting to sound too nihilistic about things here, the one thing that I can guarantee you is that the likelihood of having another Christmas with your dad like this one will be, is very low.  Therefore, for better or worse, try and enjoy the time for what it is.

    I hope you will find some joy and comfort from your time together - even if such moments are fleeting.  Try and savour.

    Kind regards.

Children
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